This day in February: 1 Year Later

I can’t believe the last time I wrote a public post on this sad thing I call my “blog” was exactly one year ago today. And it was about how I slightly missed being in love. Well, I guess I could say I may, kinda, sorta be on that love train now. But we’ll get to that later.

It’s funny, because I didn’t plan to write a blog post a year later on the same day. If anything, it’s pretty freaking sad that it took me a year to decide to do this. Why am I this way? I don’t know. However, I did write a private entry 3 months ago…. which I’m conflicted whether I should do or not. It’s not like I have plenty of people reading my blog. And if I really don’t want people reading it — well then maybe I shouldn’t have a blog right? Right. Secondly, if I don’t want it shared on my Twitter, it’s pretty freaking easy to change the setting so that it’s not shared to my Twitter page. Do you see where I’m going with this, Nadia? Yeah, you ran out of excuses a year ago, and now you’re just making an embarrassment of yourself. LOL.

The last 4 years of my life have been quite crazy. There’s a lot of shit that’s happened — both good and bad — of course I’ve chosen to focus on the bad about 3 & 1/2 years of it, but nonetheless there has been some, no A LOT, of good. The thing is, whenever some shit happens in your life, that’s when you have the most growth. And that’s generally when things have to change. Without your permission.

I believe that the Universe, God, or whatever you believe in, gives you many subtle chances and opportunities to change. Easy avenues for you to make a difference in your every day routine, your perspective, maybe even your goals and dreams. And plenty of us, don’t take or listen to those subtle signs. We wait it out for as long as we can, because let’s face it — people don’t like change. Sure, there’s some people who will claim that they would much rather live a very exciting crazy life, but there comes a moment when everyone craves stability and security. And if you don’t, well the people around you do, and thus, you’re forced to pick something that makes them feel stable with you. Either way – humans don’t like change.

So, when the Universe nudges you in small ways to change, you continuously ignore it. You’re like, it’s okay I don’t need to do this now. I can do this next week. Or next month. Or next year. Let me continue this routine. Until one day, those subtle nudges turn into storms where the shit hits the fan. And that, my friends, is when you have to change. Whether you like it or not. Without your permission. So, basically, I’ve been forced to change. Because the Universe basically put a gun to my head and was like BETCH YOU NEED TO STOP BEING DUMB AF AND GET IT TOGETHER. But in a much more, well-polished way that made me realize that yes Life, I need to change. And guess what, I have! I’ve tried to become an adult, that’s very self-aware of her flaws, strengths, weaknesses, and have learned how to make good money and take care of it. Don’t know how to cook just yet though.

However, there’s one thing that I have constantly done in these last 4 years that have been fairly bad to my soul: I have stopped writing. It’s probably been a good 2 & 1/2 years since I’ve written a piece about anything. Like nothing. Not even a freaking recipe. I have not published anything in over 2 & 1/2 years and oh my God, has it been painful.

I have been writing e-mails and text messages with such prose and grammar that I sometimes forget that most people don’t even value that kind of shit anymore in their every day e-mail and text messages. There are people that still value letters (like my best friend 4 lyfe Jizzabell) and Thank God for her (and other people on the internet) who will always love the “Humanities.” Because guess what guys!? It’s gonna sound corny but that’s what makes us human. Yes, it’s true—English, History, Philosophy, Languages—is what’s making the world still go round. You can put your Tech and Science to the side. Because it’s the Humanities that have made Tech and Science what it is. We’re the ones that polish it and make it easier for you to comprehend, and we’re the reason why things even get to fruition, because we plant the seed of thought, discovery, and purpose.

Anyways, long story short (789 words later): I’m trying to say that since I stopped writing, my life has had a void that no one and nothing has been able to fill. However, since last year — I’ve come a long way. There’s a lot of blog posts I wrote in my head. It’s been marvelous. But you’re not a writer if you don’t write. So maybe I shouldn’t call myself that anymore when I go on dates. Well, I don’t really call myself that when I go on dates, I mention it briefly, in passing, just like I say that purple is my favorite color, and roses and jasmine are my favorite flowers, and that I would like to spend the rest of my life baking and becoming a florist. But like I said, in passing. I have a 27 things on my to-do list sitting in front of me right now that have ZERO to do with writing and everything to do with things that I sometimes feel I don’t even enjoy doing. But, like I said, I’ve come a long way since February 5, 2018.

Firstly, I’ve learned how to make to-do lists work for me. Of course, today is not a great example. But, I’ve finally given up planners. I discovered the world of Bullet Journal, and although I am not a connoisseur of the practice—it’s amazing and has changed my life. It’s for people who appreciate structured chaos. It’s a way for people like me who have way too many things going on in their head and lives, too many categories of things to do, to put it all down somewhere that has a simple system but no constriction.

Secondly, I’ve calmed the fuck down a little bit. At least outwardly. I no longer go completely psycho when things go wrong in my business. Internally, yes I’m freaking the hell out. But I have learned to control my “energy” around the people I work. I don’t want to choke my dad when I realize he made a pretty bad business decision. Rather I take a step back and think about why he did it the way he did it. Almost all of the time, I see why, and although it sucks at the time, I learn so much from it. This has come after a very, very long time of self-reflection, getting into my head until I can’t think anymore, and actually listening to constructive criticism without having a titty attack. After all, if you can’t take criticism when you’re almost 30 — when will you?

And finally, I’ve finally seen the light. I never lost God, but wow—when I say I found him, well I found Him. Spirituality was always a constant in my life, regardless of my lifestyle, and also the reason why I truly feel I was somehow protected from making worse decisions for myself. There’s a lot of bad things that surround the word “religion.” Rules, regulations, scrutiny, punishment, sin, injustice, Hell. But there’s one word that  doesn’t come up as often as it should and that is — Creator. The one who Created you. You came from somewhere, don’t get it twisted, you did. And there’s nothing wrong with reading, researching, disagreeing, and deciding which scientific theory makes you more comfortable — but at the end of it, you came from somewhere. And you know how I know that? Because we, as human beings, are never going to feel fulfilled. Other people, things, money, careers, status, power — they’re only going to fulfill the people who are hollow. But there will come a point in your life where all these things will get old. They’ll get routine. And you’ll start looking for something else. Until you find a new thing, which too will get old eventually. If you’re someone that reflects — well you will never find what you’re missing or looking for in people, things, and status. The final piece of the puzzle is your relationship with your Creator. That’s the only place you can find that fulfillment, and let me tell you — that journey can take your whole life. Because it’s not the Creator who is complex, it’s that WE are complex.

We fight that journey until we realize we don’t want to fight it anymore. It’s realizing that there is more to life than everything we keep ourselves busy with. It’s realizing that the only way you can get to what more is there to life is by practicing what I like to call, a level of healthy detachment. We’re all attached to things that truthfully, bring us a lot more pain than we realize, and we get trapped into these cycles of more pain. Some of us don’t; maybe some of us have led very easy lives with perfect relationships, but I’m not talking to those people (especially because they don’t exist). But all of us have “Tests.” And those those tests can make you or break you. You can come out of those tests like a phoenix in the ashes, or dig a hole for your grave while you’re still alive, because death would be easier than living the miserable life you’ve created for yourself.

I’m only 28—never been married, have no kids, never had to work too hard for money in my youth—so there’s a lot I probably have to learn. But this makes so much sense to me. There’s plenty of people who have more life experience than me who have found themselves at the same crossroads. What healthy detachment does is it frees you from all the shit that you’ve created in your life and your mind. It frees you from the result, and makes you realize the only one you need to please is your Creator —who only asks that you take care of your soul. However, taking care of your soul is not easy. Especially when everyone around you is conditioned to do it otherwise. What I’ve found in Islam is that it’s kind of like a bootcamp class for your soul. It’s not easy at all, but you get better at it every class, and it’s there so you can finally achieve THAT LEVEL of strength and beauty that you’re striving for.

I could write about this for another 1000 words, but I’ll stop here. Oh, and I think the Universe is working in my favor a lot when I tell you that a year ago — I was missing being in love. And now, exactly a year later… I may have found my person. Still practicing that healthy detachment but gosh does love make it 1000x harder!

Happy V-Day Betches,

-n

When You Miss Being in Love

It’s been a while. Since I’ve blogged, wrote, or really did anything remotely close to writing. I’ve done writing on paper, in a journal, or the Notes app on my iPhone, but not real writing. Oh my God, I’ve missed it so much. Recently, I was writing a short business letter for one of my employees, and I almost, for a second, felt like I couldn’t write. Obviously I did, but it was this fear of “have I forgotten already?” that just crept up on me, and it’s been on my mind since then. It’s been quite a while.

It’s been even longer since I’ve been in love. LOL. Feels funny typing it. Feels almost like an eternity. I think I’m just one of those people who believes/feels they are more complete with a partner, or in love. Even though a part of me knows that’s not true. It actually hasn’t been that long. Only about 2 & 1/2 years. Which really, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t long. I mean, when you look at it from a cat lady’s perspective—it’s really not long at all. But, when you look at it from someone who loves love, and everything about it, and who has felt love—no matter how fucked up or maybe one-sided it was—it feels like an eternity.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have really, truly, enjoyed being single. I cannot list how many PROS I’ve found in being “single.”  The TIME you have. Time is the most expensive thing you have in your life. It’s so valuable, but you can’t attach a price to it. It’s infinitely valuable—for the rest of your life. I can guarantee you, there will never be a period in your life where your time won’t be valuable. Everything else, will and can take a backseat, but not your time.

Being single is definitely a must in this time and age. Hey, if you happen to find the love of your life early in your life, good for you! But, if you haven’t, well that’s also amazing. There’s so many things you can do alone that really help in your personal development. I feel like how we live now, it’s not only critical to find high-quality people, but also dedicate your time to more than just making memories, making love, and some of the other trivial, carefree things that come with a relationship. All those things are AMAZING when they finally happen and the warm, fuzzy feelings of love are ultimately unbeatable—but that’s not all we’re here for. There’s more to life than finding the love of your life.

I think, as someone who can admit that they love the idea of love sometimes more than the person, it’s necessary for one in their mid-twenties to spend some time alone. Go through things alone. Sure, have your friends and family, but the support of a significant other is big. There’s just some things we discover in life when we’re in complete isolation. When we don’t feel connected to anyone, but ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, and our core. Because, when you finally “find yourself,” find your core, and connect with your true feelings—well, it’s all history from there. Finding yourself is really the first step in finding a lot of things, including finding the right person. I believe finding what they call, your purpose, is 80% of finding the love of your life (if you believe in that sort of thing). The remaining 20% is up to your environmental circumstances and the Universe.

I’ve really honed into the idea that there is no one you spend more time with than yourself. If you feel like you’ve spent most of your youth with someone else by yourself, well I hope you’re happy, but I know I wouldn’t be. I love being in love, but I love being with myself just as much, if not, even more. And I really didn’t believe that, until I was completely, superbly alone. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. The things I’ve learned not only about myself, but about people and the world, is truly not something I would’ve learned if I was in a relationship. It really involves you to become completely detached. Your detachment leaves you completely open to what is coming to you. A part of you has to be completely broken into, so another part of you can grow—into someone stronger, wiser, and better. And yes, it’s extremely uncomfortable.

Here’s the thing though: I missed writing, I felt a fear that I’d forget how to do it. I’ve begun to miss being in love. And now, I’ve developed a fear that I’ll forget how to be in a relationship. Humans are built for change; although we usually don’t welcome change, and feel profoundly uncomfortable when change is coming—we’re built for it. Because, it’s supposed to happen.

Recently, I’ve been feeling that change must happen, that it’s coming. It’s already happening in many parts of my life, but I still need more. Something different. Someone different. Sometimes, your friends and family don’t cut it. You love spending time with yourself, but you want some change. It could be a new job, a new goal, or a person. Just something different. 

And then, you recall how love made you feel and whoa, it felt different than you do now. Would you trade it for what you have now? Well, I don’t know. It’s not a Yes, but it’s also not a No. And that my friends—is the problem and beauty of love. It really makes you put everything else on the scale with it, and asks you: how much did you miss me?

It is February after all XO,

—N

P.S. This is the 2nd cover of Love Song that I absolutely love. It’s a little more melancholic. But, nothing beats the Original, and of course, the classic mellow 311 version. Amazing. Love you for life, Cure ❤

You Should Read This

This is rough. Forgiveness is so very important, friends:

“I miss you, and I’m waiting for the day for someone to come into my life and show me you never existed.

There’s things I can’t shrug off, and the loneliness is always there. In a crowd, the thought of you consumes me, and the evenings remind me of what I thought we had. But when the daylight comes back—I’m reminded of what you did, what you said, and who you were. I want to crawl back into my fantasy of you that I was in love with. I want to forget the reality of you and who you really were, and still are.

I miss you so much and miss everything about you, from your eyes to your lips, I miss feeling you. I wish you didn’t do what you did, and sometimes, I hesitantly wish we were still together. But the reality isn’t such. Sometimes I want to live in the fantasy I had created for us all along; I don’t dwell in it too long, just when the loneliness gets overwhelming. I know I still love you, although I doubted if I ever did. I did and I still do. I wish I didn’t, but I know I do. I can’t forget you. It’s so hard, and your absence kills me.

Although I miss you, although I know I love you, I don’t wish good things for you. I hope you feel the same pain I’ve felt all these days. I wish your days are full of loneliness, and your evenings are full of despair and regret. I wish you truly, genuinely fall in love with someone, who rips your heart out in front of your face. I wish you meet the person you make your night and day, and they show you that you’re nothing but a speck in their eyes.

I know I love you, but I don’t wish good things on you. I loved you with an all-consuming love that I wanted so bad to be reciprocated. I wanted you to feel what I feel. I want you to feel what you’ve made me felt. I want you to meet the person who makes you melt, and makes you think you can forget about me once and for all, but they take all you had from you. I want you to know what it feels like when love shows you where it is and it isn’t. I want you to know what I felt.”

~n

Right before this video is taken down, I figured I’d post it and remind people why social media has been crying over Frank Ocean for the last 4 years. I’ve loved Frank Ocean since everyone else–but Church in the Wild sealed the deal for me years ago. If someone asked me to categorize how I fall in love/love somebody, I’d pick Thinkin’ About You — all engrossing, from a distance, and fairly unrequited.

Pink+White is quite the opposite. I’ve never had someone “show me love,” he really describes unfortunately, and that may sound whiny and all, but it’s the truth. It’s a sad for a moment, but after a moment, you realize it’s not a big deal. You get over it. What I have had, are people who have never been in 100%, or think they are, or want to be 110% after I’m gone, and then want to constantly haunt me with my past.  Although his ways of loving usually seem to describe my ridiculousness (sometimes I wonder if he’s a Libra too?) — this track really reminds me of a love I’ve never had…wish I did, and still hope I do.

This track, though, is really wonderful. It’s really Frank Ocean in a nutshell. I don’t care what he wants to experiment with, I’m with it, but the best artists leave that one track that remind us why we fell in love with them in the first place.

xo,
n

Miley Knows What’s Up

I’ve been saying it since September — but really — I am turning a new freaking leaf this year.

I never thought Miley could really put in words what I feel, but she did. She did it. And she did it like 2 years ago LOLZ. I didn’t even know this lovely song existed until a wonderful friend told me of it (XOXO) and I love it. I actually love a Miley song. And a Drake song too, ugh unfortunately, a couple Drake songs if I’m being 100% honest right now. I’m obsessed with Rihanna and her hair, especially because she’s going back to that island music that she was all about in the beginning. <33reggae<33

I’ve been flaking a lot less this year too! My friends are just OVER THE F**KING MOON about how I actually SHOW UP to places nowadays and many offers are ending with “yes,” and less “no bitch” — I wish I could put up testimonials from them on my blog right now about the % of flaking that has significantly lessened.

Yup, things are changing. I’m taking 25 really serious this year, working my ass off, trying to make that paper, and really making it seem like I’m an adult who has their shit together–lol lez be serious now–but trying is half the battle and fake it till you make it, right? I’ve traveled to 3 cities this year, 1 all by myself, and it was freaking amazing! There has been nothing else so far that has made me feel so “present” than standing in the middle of Dubai, or Miami, 1000 miles away from my home, and really soaking in the rest of the world. I understand that makes absolutely no sense, but I really felt so, incredibly free from so many things. People, responsibilities, even free from my thoughts. But, let’s be serious, that’s what vacation does. That’s what it’s supposed to do.

I MOVED! Not to a strange, dark, unknown place – but somewhere very familiar, but still very different. I love it and hate it. Don’t know how to describe it, but I still have a lot of work left to do to set up the place. It’s a relief to have a space to myself, but of course, my family is super annoying at times and act like they can’t live without me. I guess it’s a good problem to have. To be loved to the point of annoyance.

Also, working out is literally my “FAVORITE THING TO DO” (nacho voice) after eating, of course, and having sex, and maybe baking. No, but really, working out is the best thing in the world a person can do for themselves. Being healthy is soooo important. I’ve drastically changed my diet, and although I sometimes miss eating whatever I want, I don’t miss at all how I used to feel. It doesn’t matter what kind of exercise you do –although I do recommend kickboxing to get the anger out and strength training to feel strong like “strong, black independent woman”– it’s doing it consistently that will get you results. And it doesn’t matter if you’re NOT trying to look like a bikini model like me, the physical and mental release is incomparable. I know things like drinking, having sex, and hanging out with friends also have physical and mental releases — but have you noticed how you can’t do those activities “alone”? Being alone is so necessary to function in this society. And I’m not just saying this because I’m single now, but because I’ve always valued alone time, especially when you’re in a relationship. Love is great and all, and rainbows and butterflies, but you really are the only person you spend the most time with — so make yourself fking interesting. And hot, too. LOL DUH.

Of course, some things will never change though. Still hate Beyoncé. Don’t think it’s ever gonna work with me & Bey. Blue Ivy is still ugly. I still love rice & curry. I still love to talk shit. I’m still petty about all the things that have happened. It’s a process.

My ex still sucks at life and I recently found out more things about him (from him LOLZ) that made me seriously thank the Lord of the Heavens, and the Skies, and the Solar Systems, and the Universe, AGAIN for getting him the F**K out of my life. It was the BESSSSTTTTT thing that could’ve happened to me. But, I mean, the best thing would’ve been to never met him at all, but that’s okay — we already accepted the whole “lessons” thing. I honestly feel sorry and pity for the other person who chose to keep him in her life, but hey, that’s their prerogative. I call it “being a f**kng bimbo” but who am I to call people names? I learned recently how fake people can be, especially women, but I’m glad I’m not friends with any women/men like that. Unfortunately, I had the honor of dating garbage — but thankfully, my friends have always been awesome, truthful, “CLASSY” people. At the end of the day, although I’m still pretty annoyed about things and have moment of negative feelings, I’m super happy with my life right now.

But — I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t say who I think of when I hear Miley’s song. The song just so childish and funny, with some nice beats too, I have to dedicate to that special gem in my life who I’m glad is no longer here. You, my little douche, are never gonna change. XOXO.

#PettyAsFuck,

nadz

Thoughts on Shitty Choices

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I was all ready to write and get all my thoughts together an hour ago, but I ended up reading something else I wrote almost 10 months ago… Scary. It was very, very scary to say the least. Hindsight is truly something. If I had just pushed, pressed, and listened to what was being said to me and done to me … I would’ve been out of this thing 10 months ago. That’s about 5 months before than it happened. 5 months of my life I would’ve had back; 5 extra months of healing. Actually, if I really think about it—I could’ve ended that horrible relationship before it even bloomed into a real “relationship.” I could’ve ended it when it when it was only 5 months old. I guess 5 is a thing or something. But, I was too weak. And optimistic. I was also always a big romantic, and wanted to fall in love. I wanted to take a chance, live my life, and enjoy my life… Didn’t know 3 years would fly by and all I had to show for it was absolute shit. I’m really not trying to be cynical or super-negative about it LOL really—but aside from all the “life lessons,” I really have shit. I could’ve learned these life lessons from A LOT OF OTHER PLACES AND WAYS, YOU KNOW. But I didn’t. I was with a shitty human being, who didn’t teach me good things, but taught me that shitty human beings exist everywhere, and many of them will be pretty, pretty close to you. (Larry David voice). I guess it’s still a lesson. Shitty lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.

Oh, well. No point in regretting the past, and beating myself now.

What I have recently learned, though, is that I really need to accept the fact that I was in a very bad relationship. Despite how positive and zen you try to get about it — you really need to face the facts eventually. It takes some guts to admit that you made a really shitty choice in a partner, spent time, money, and love on them, and you ended up having a really horrible relationship. Your investment, unfortunately, didn’t pay off. You took a risk and guess what, it was not a good idea. You can spin it a thousand ways — but rationally, it was a bad decision. A poor choice. You must’ve had some idea of what ways it could’ve gone, yet, you made your decision. And believe me, I am in a really good mood right now LOL, and am writing all this with a feeling of content. I’ve been trying to avoid the fact that I made such a bad fucking decision, but unfortunately I did. And the only thing—BELIEVE ME, there’s only one thing—I can do now is make a better decision next time around. More like 1000000000% better.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a key difference between successful and unsuccessful romantic relationships, and it’s not that one ends up in marriage or a forever, oh my god I will love you all my life type thing. What a successful romantic relationship does is teach you more about yourself and about the world—which includes its humans and all its lessons—and leaves you a better, well-rounded person regardless of the outcome. Not a broken, bitter, cold, destroyed person with trust issues and insecurity. The ones that do that, well, they were truly unsuccessful relationships. And you, my friend, did not succeed.

It really does suck to fail. (SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW! Like Nacho says). It sucks to know you made a bad decision, whether it’s buying a shitty t-shirt, making a bad business decision, or a bad choice for a partner. But really—what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Cry about it forever? Hell fucking no.

-n

My Life Right Now—

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At least I admit it. #NoRegrets

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