When You Miss Being in Love

It’s been a while. Since I’ve blogged, wrote, or really did anything remotely close to writing. I’ve done writing on paper, in a journal, or the Notes app on my iPhone, but not real writing. Oh my God, I’ve missed it so much. Recently, I was writing a short business letter for one of my employees, and I almost, for a second, felt like I couldn’t write. Obviously I did, but it was this fear of “have I forgotten already?” that just crept up on me, and it’s been on my mind since then. It’s been quite a while.

It’s been even longer since I’ve been in love. LOL. Feels funny typing it. Feels almost like an eternity. I think I’m just one of those people who believes/feels they are more complete with a partner, or in love. Even though a part of me knows that’s not true. It actually hasn’t been that long. Only about 2 & 1/2 years. Which really, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t long. I mean, when you look at it from a cat lady’s perspective—it’s really not long at all. But, when you look at it from someone who loves love, and everything about it, and who has felt love—no matter how fucked up or maybe one-sided it was—it feels like an eternity.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have really, truly, enjoyed being single. I cannot list how many PROS I’ve found in being “single.”  The TIME you have. Time is the most expensive thing you have in your life. It’s so valuable, but you can’t attach a price to it. It’s infinitely valuable—for the rest of your life. I can guarantee you, there will never be a period in your life where your time won’t be valuable. Everything else, will and can take a backseat, but not your time.

Being single is definitely a must in this time and age. Hey, if you happen to find the love of your life early in your life, good for you! But, if you haven’t, well that’s also amazing. There’s so many things you can do alone that really help in your personal development. I feel like how we live now, it’s not only critical to find high-quality people, but also dedicate your time to more than just making memories, making love, and some of the other trivial, carefree things that come with a relationship. All those things are AMAZING when they finally happen and the warm, fuzzy feelings of love are ultimately unbeatable—but that’s not all we’re here for. There’s more to life than finding the love of your life.

I think, as someone who can admit that they love the idea of love sometimes more than the person, it’s necessary for one in their mid-twenties to spend some time alone. Go through things alone. Sure, have your friends and family, but the support of a significant other is big. There’s just some things we discover in life when we’re in complete isolation. When we don’t feel connected to anyone, but ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, and our core. Because, when you finally “find yourself,” find your core, and connect with your true feelings—well, it’s all history from there. Finding yourself is really the first step in finding a lot of things, including finding the right person. I believe finding what they call, your purpose, is 80% of finding the love of your life (if you believe in that sort of thing). The remaining 20% is up to your environmental circumstances and the Universe.

I’ve really honed into the idea that there is no one you spend more time with than yourself. If you feel like you’ve spent most of your youth with someone else by yourself, well I hope you’re happy, but I know I wouldn’t be. I love being in love, but I love being with myself just as much, if not, even more. And I really didn’t believe that, until I was completely, superbly alone. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. The things I’ve learned not only about myself, but about people and the world, is truly not something I would’ve learned if I was in a relationship. It really involves you to become completely detached. Your detachment leaves you completely open to what is coming to you. A part of you has to be completely broken into, so another part of you can grow—into someone stronger, wiser, and better. And yes, it’s extremely uncomfortable.

Here’s the thing though: I missed writing, I felt a fear that I’d forget how to do it. I’ve begun to miss being in love. And now, I’ve developed a fear that I’ll forget how to be in a relationship. Humans are built for change; although we usually don’t welcome change, and feel profoundly uncomfortable when change is coming—we’re built for it. Because, it’s supposed to happen.

Recently, I’ve been feeling that change must happen, that it’s coming. It’s already happening in many parts of my life, but I still need more. Something different. Someone different. Sometimes, your friends and family don’t cut it. You love spending time with yourself, but you want some change. It could be a new job, a new goal, or a person. Just something different. 

And then, you recall how love made you feel and whoa, it felt different than you do now. Would you trade it for what you have now? Well, I don’t know. It’s not a Yes, but it’s also not a No. And that my friends—is the problem and beauty of love. It really makes you put everything else on the scale with it, and asks you: how much did you miss me?

It is February after all XO,

—N

P.S. This is the 2nd cover of Love Song that I absolutely love. It’s a little more melancholic. But, nothing beats the Original, and of course, the classic mellow 311 version. Amazing. Love you for life, Cure ❤

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You Should Read This

This is rough. Forgiveness is so very important, friends:

“I miss you, and I’m waiting for the day for someone to come into my life and show me you never existed.

There’s things I can’t shrug off, and the loneliness is always there. In a crowd, the thought of you consumes me, and the evenings remind me of what I thought we had. But when the daylight comes back—I’m reminded of what you did, what you said, and who you were. I want to crawl back into my fantasy of you that I was in love with. I want to forget the reality of you and who you really were, and still are.

I miss you so much and miss everything about you, from your eyes to your lips, I miss feeling you. I wish you didn’t do what you did, and sometimes, I hesitantly wish we were still together. But the reality isn’t such. Sometimes I want to live in the fantasy I had created for us all along; I don’t dwell in it too long, just when the loneliness gets overwhelming. I know I still love you, although I doubted if I ever did. I did and I still do. I wish I didn’t, but I know I do. I can’t forget you. It’s so hard, and your absence kills me.

Although I miss you, although I know I love you, I don’t wish good things for you. I hope you feel the same pain I’ve felt all these days. I wish your days are full of loneliness, and your evenings are full of despair and regret. I wish you truly, genuinely fall in love with someone, who rips your heart out in front of your face. I wish you meet the person you make your night and day, and they show you that you’re nothing but a speck in their eyes.

I know I love you, but I don’t wish good things on you. I loved you with an all-consuming love that I wanted so bad to be reciprocated. I wanted you to feel what I feel. I want you to feel what you’ve made me felt. I want you to meet the person who makes you melt, and makes you think you can forget about me once and for all, but they take all you had from you. I want you to know what it feels like when love shows you where it is and it isn’t. I want you to know what I felt.”

~n

Right before this video is taken down, I figured I’d post it and remind people why social media has been crying over Frank Ocean for the last 4 years. I’ve loved Frank Ocean since everyone else–but Church in the Wild sealed the deal for me years ago. If someone asked me to categorize how I fall in love/love somebody, I’d pick Thinkin’ About You — all engrossing, from a distance, and fairly unrequited.

Pink+White is quite the opposite. I’ve never had someone “show me love,” he really describes unfortunately, and that may sound whiny and all, but it’s the truth. It’s a sad for a moment, but after a moment, you realize it’s not a big deal. You get over it. What I have had, are people who have never been in 100%, or think they are, or want to be 110% after I’m gone, and then want to constantly haunt me with my past.  Although his ways of loving usually seem to describe my ridiculousness (sometimes I wonder if he’s a Libra too?) — this track really reminds me of a love I’ve never had…wish I did, and still hope I do.

This track, though, is really wonderful. It’s really Frank Ocean in a nutshell. I don’t care what he wants to experiment with, I’m with it, but the best artists leave that one track that remind us why we fell in love with them in the first place.

xo,
n

Miley Knows What’s Up

I’ve been saying it since September — but really — I am turning a new freaking leaf this year.

I never thought Miley could really put in words what I feel, but she did. She did it. And she did it like 2 years ago LOLZ. I didn’t even know this lovely song existed until a wonderful friend told me of it (XOXO) and I love it. I actually love a Miley song. And a Drake song too, ugh unfortunately, a couple Drake songs if I’m being 100% honest right now. I’m obsessed with Rihanna and her hair, especially because she’s going back to that island music that she was all about in the beginning. <33reggae<33

I’ve been flaking a lot less this year too! My friends are just OVER THE F**KING MOON about how I actually SHOW UP to places nowadays and many offers are ending with “yes,” and less “no bitch” — I wish I could put up testimonials from them on my blog right now about the % of flaking that has significantly lessened.

Yup, things are changing. I’m taking 25 really serious this year, working my ass off, trying to make that paper, and really making it seem like I’m an adult who has their shit together–lol lez be serious now–but trying is half the battle and fake it till you make it, right? I’ve traveled to 3 cities this year, 1 all by myself, and it was freaking amazing! There has been nothing else so far that has made me feel so “present” than standing in the middle of Dubai, or Miami, 1000 miles away from my home, and really soaking in the rest of the world. I understand that makes absolutely no sense, but I really felt so, incredibly free from so many things. People, responsibilities, even free from my thoughts. But, let’s be serious, that’s what vacation does. That’s what it’s supposed to do.

I MOVED! Not to a strange, dark, unknown place – but somewhere very familiar, but still very different. I love it and hate it. Don’t know how to describe it, but I still have a lot of work left to do to set up the place. It’s a relief to have a space to myself, but of course, my family is super annoying at times and act like they can’t live without me. I guess it’s a good problem to have. To be loved to the point of annoyance.

Also, working out is literally my “FAVORITE THING TO DO” (nacho voice) after eating, of course, and having sex, and maybe baking. No, but really, working out is the best thing in the world a person can do for themselves. Being healthy is soooo important. I’ve drastically changed my diet, and although I sometimes miss eating whatever I want, I don’t miss at all how I used to feel. It doesn’t matter what kind of exercise you do –although I do recommend kickboxing to get the anger out and strength training to feel strong like “strong, black independent woman”– it’s doing it consistently that will get you results. And it doesn’t matter if you’re NOT trying to look like a bikini model like me, the physical and mental release is incomparable. I know things like drinking, having sex, and hanging out with friends also have physical and mental releases — but have you noticed how you can’t do those activities “alone”? Being alone is so necessary to function in this society. And I’m not just saying this because I’m single now, but because I’ve always valued alone time, especially when you’re in a relationship. Love is great and all, and rainbows and butterflies, but you really are the only person you spend the most time with — so make yourself fking interesting. And hot, too. LOL DUH.

Of course, some things will never change though. Still hate Beyoncé. Don’t think it’s ever gonna work with me & Bey. Blue Ivy is still ugly. I still love rice & curry. I still love to talk shit. I’m still petty about all the things that have happened. It’s a process.

My ex still sucks at life and I recently found out more things about him (from him LOLZ) that made me seriously thank the Lord of the Heavens, and the Skies, and the Solar Systems, and the Universe, AGAIN for getting him the F**K out of my life. It was the BESSSSTTTTT thing that could’ve happened to me. But, I mean, the best thing would’ve been to never met him at all, but that’s okay — we already accepted the whole “lessons” thing. I honestly feel sorry and pity for the other person who chose to keep him in her life, but hey, that’s their prerogative. I call it “being a f**kng bimbo” but who am I to call people names? I learned recently how fake people can be, especially women, but I’m glad I’m not friends with any women/men like that. Unfortunately, I had the honor of dating garbage — but thankfully, my friends have always been awesome, truthful, “CLASSY” people. At the end of the day, although I’m still pretty annoyed about things and have moment of negative feelings, I’m super happy with my life right now.

But — I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t say who I think of when I hear Miley’s song. The song just so childish and funny, with some nice beats too, I have to dedicate to that special gem in my life who I’m glad is no longer here. You, my little douche, are never gonna change. XOXO.

#PettyAsFuck,

nadz

Thoughts on Shitty Choices

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I was all ready to write and get all my thoughts together an hour ago, but I ended up reading something else I wrote almost 10 months ago… Scary. It was very, very scary to say the least. Hindsight is truly something. If I had just pushed, pressed, and listened to what was being said to me and done to me … I would’ve been out of this thing 10 months ago. That’s about 5 months before than it happened. 5 months of my life I would’ve had back; 5 extra months of healing. Actually, if I really think about it—I could’ve ended that horrible relationship before it even bloomed into a real “relationship.” I could’ve ended it when it when it was only 5 months old. I guess 5 is a thing or something. But, I was too weak. And optimistic. I was also always a big romantic, and wanted to fall in love. I wanted to take a chance, live my life, and enjoy my life… Didn’t know 3 years would fly by and all I had to show for it was absolute shit. I’m really not trying to be cynical or super-negative about it LOL really—but aside from all the “life lessons,” I really have shit. I could’ve learned these life lessons from A LOT OF OTHER PLACES AND WAYS, YOU KNOW. But I didn’t. I was with a shitty human being, who didn’t teach me good things, but taught me that shitty human beings exist everywhere, and many of them will be pretty, pretty close to you. (Larry David voice). I guess it’s still a lesson. Shitty lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.

Oh, well. No point in regretting the past, and beating myself now.

What I have recently learned, though, is that I really need to accept the fact that I was in a very bad relationship. Despite how positive and zen you try to get about it — you really need to face the facts eventually. It takes some guts to admit that you made a really shitty choice in a partner, spent time, money, and love on them, and you ended up having a really horrible relationship. Your investment, unfortunately, didn’t pay off. You took a risk and guess what, it was not a good idea. You can spin it a thousand ways — but rationally, it was a bad decision. A poor choice. You must’ve had some idea of what ways it could’ve gone, yet, you made your decision. And believe me, I am in a really good mood right now LOL, and am writing all this with a feeling of content. I’ve been trying to avoid the fact that I made such a bad fucking decision, but unfortunately I did. And the only thing—BELIEVE ME, there’s only one thing—I can do now is make a better decision next time around. More like 1000000000% better.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a key difference between successful and unsuccessful romantic relationships, and it’s not that one ends up in marriage or a forever, oh my god I will love you all my life type thing. What a successful romantic relationship does is teach you more about yourself and about the world—which includes its humans and all its lessons—and leaves you a better, well-rounded person regardless of the outcome. Not a broken, bitter, cold, destroyed person with trust issues and insecurity. The ones that do that, well, they were truly unsuccessful relationships. And you, my friend, did not succeed.

It really does suck to fail. (SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW! Like Nacho says). It sucks to know you made a bad decision, whether it’s buying a shitty t-shirt, making a bad business decision, or a bad choice for a partner. But really—what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Cry about it forever? Hell fucking no.

-n

My Life Right Now—

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At least I admit it. #NoRegrets

Dedicated — “Hit ‘Em Up”

I love 2Pac. I really do. RIP to one of the greatest rappers ever, and today—I dedicate this lovely song to one of the biggest POS I ever knew in my life: my recent ex. You, my ‘friend,’ are truly the biggest piece of shit I knew. LOLZ. Actually, even feces has more use than you do in this universe. I might sound bitter here (duh!) but really — there are some people in this world whose only purpose is to remind us of FECES. You know how? Well, although it’s necessary and everyone does it yada yada yada, it’s pretty disgusting when we go to the bathroom. And that disgusting act reminds us of how sometimes, we have to look, see, smell, hear gross things to get to the best: an empty bladder, healthy body—and to appreciate the better things in life: like not shitting, or air fresheners, and unclogged toilets. Oh, and better people. You know, people who actually have a moral code and give a shit about how others feel.

So yes, there are some lovely, lovely people in the world whose only use is really to remind you not to put your foot in shit. Because if you do, you’ll get your shoes, socks, and feet dirty and then it’ll suck. Some people do need to see this difference to really not take the “better” people out there for granted. Some of us need to be reminded. Unfortunately, some of us don’t even need this fucking reminder! Some of us are ALREADY WHOLE, COMPASSIONATE, KIND human beings who don’t need these feces-people in our lives to as a reminder to appreciate the better things in life. Not taking shit for granted comes naturally to some of us—and that’s how we live our lives, most especially when we come across feces-people. You see, we think they’re just like us—not full of absolute, disgusting shit—and that’s how we treat them. Well, kudos to us for thinking we’re so awesome, but really feces-people don’t give a crap about our good qualities. What they give a “crap” about (lolz) is themselves and all their shitty qualities. They looooove to roll around in their shitty qualities, lying, cheating, stealing, back-biting, talking shit, and expect people to sit there and take it. LOLZZZIIIIIIEEZZZZ is my response to feces-people.

I know what you wanna say. Oh, be more compassionate, oh where’s your sympathy? Where’s your empathy? Well, you see, feces-people don’t even give a crap if you give them compassion, sympathy or empathy. You did give them that—and more, yet they continued to disregard your feelings, disrespect you, and treat you the same way they see themselves when they look in their crappy mirror: shitty.

The reason why “Hit Em Up” really hits the nail on my feelings right now, is because, well sometimes you really need to curse people out. Sometimes, “kill them with kindness,” or some crap like that really doesn’t work. It might work for some people—but not feces-people. And that’s because they don’t even value kindness! They don’t even value respect! So please tell me why why why why do you think it’s sufficient for you to throw your moral code of kindness+compassion at them and then expect them to understand? Expect them to be sorry? Remorseful? Guilty? No, you don’t have to fall to their level (believe me when I tell you, you never will fall to their level) but cursing someone out is not “falling to a level.” Truthfully, “killing” someone with words—even vulgar words—is much better than causing them or their property physical damage. You won’t really even get in trouble with the law, LOLZ. I’m a writer, so really, words are everything to me. Hitting or attacking someone really will not satisfy me to the core like saying something I’ve been thinking, dwelling on forever. I mean, I’m really not going to pull my glock out on my ex or something, but I’ll let 2Pac do the talking for me here. He gives me justice. Another reason why “Hit Em Up” is awesome right now is because it’s dedicated to Biggie Smalls—2Pac’s rival and one-time “friend”—well, clearly, something went wrong with this “friendship” somewhere. I don’t know the story, nor do I care at the moment, but his entire track is to remind Biggie where he was, who he was, what 2Pac was to him, what he was to 2Pac, and who he still is. and to ‘Pac, well he’s feces. 

I do want to take a moment and apologize to my personal feces for comparing it to my lying, cheating, vomit-inducing ex. I’m sorry, Shit, I really am—but you understand.

sometimes I take metaphors too far,

—n

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