Distracted from Death

I am so devastated. If there’s one thing almost all of us have to deal with our lives at least once in our lives, it’s death. And the worst  part is, no one will teach you enough about it, how to cope with it, how to accept it, and what to make of it — you just have to figure it out all on your own. No matter how many degrees you have, if you’re the CEO of a company, or if you’ve reached the ultimate level of spirituality, there’s something unsettling about coming face to face with our mortality. And wondering what your loved one’s soul is going through over — and over — and over — and over again.

Two months & ten days ago, I lost my uncle. And my cousin, who is nothing less than my sister, lost her father.  I can never imagine how she felt, I may one day, but the fact that someone I love so dearly lost someone who was such a large part of her life, has just broken my heart. Today, I found out my sis-in-law (truthfully my ‘ex’ sis in law)’s mother passed away early this morning. I can’t even fathom what she’s going through right now, I may one day as well, but once again, someone I love so dearly has lost the only person she really had in this isolated world. Even worse, our relationship was so strained the last few months of her life, that I didn’t even have the opportunity to make amends. The most heartbreaking part of all this is that this time last year, we didn’t even think we’d be losing these two people in our lives. I mean, do you ever think that? Why would you even think that?

However, the reason I’m actually writing this right now is because I’ve been walking around, acting, talking, sleeping, laughing like none of these things have happened…I’ve been distracting myself soo well. I guess working 9 hours Monday-Friday helps a lot as well. I’m not too sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing —I guess writing about it helps when I’m distracting myself in the day-to-day life. But, I do know at the end of the day, that this just sucks. I guess I have not reached the levels of spirituality, reality, acceptance taught by Buddhism, that everything we cherish we will lose….it’s not sad, but it’s the truth, and from knowing the truth, you will grow and move on.

But at 22, this truth really freaking hurts.

Not there yet,

N.

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