When You Miss Being in Love

It’s been a while. Since I’ve blogged, wrote, or really did anything remotely close to writing. I’ve done writing on paper, in a journal, or the Notes app on my iPhone, but not real writing. Oh my God, I’ve missed it so much. Recently, I was writing a short business letter for one of my employees, and I almost, for a second, felt like I couldn’t write. Obviously I did, but it was this fear of “have I forgotten already?” that just crept up on me, and it’s been on my mind since then. It’s been quite a while.

It’s been even longer since I’ve been in love. LOL. Feels funny typing it. Feels almost like an eternity. I think I’m just one of those people who believes/feels they are more complete with a partner, or in love. Even though a part of me knows that’s not true. It actually hasn’t been that long. Only about 2 & 1/2 years. Which really, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t long. I mean, when you look at it from a cat lady’s perspective—it’s really not long at all. But, when you look at it from someone who loves love, and everything about it, and who has felt love—no matter how fucked up or maybe one-sided it was—it feels like an eternity.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have really, truly, enjoyed being single. I cannot list how many PROS I’ve found in being “single.”  The TIME you have. Time is the most expensive thing you have in your life. It’s so valuable, but you can’t attach a price to it. It’s infinitely valuable—for the rest of your life. I can guarantee you, there will never be a period in your life where your time won’t be valuable. Everything else, will and can take a backseat, but not your time.

Being single is definitely a must in this time and age. Hey, if you happen to find the love of your life early in your life, good for you! But, if you haven’t, well that’s also amazing. There’s so many things you can do alone that really help in your personal development. I feel like how we live now, it’s not only critical to find high-quality people, but also dedicate your time to more than just making memories, making love, and some of the other trivial, carefree things that come with a relationship. All those things are AMAZING when they finally happen and the warm, fuzzy feelings of love are ultimately unbeatable—but that’s not all we’re here for. There’s more to life than finding the love of your life.

I think, as someone who can admit that they love the idea of love sometimes more than the person, it’s necessary for one in their mid-twenties to spend some time alone. Go through things alone. Sure, have your friends and family, but the support of a significant other is big. There’s just some things we discover in life when we’re in complete isolation. When we don’t feel connected to anyone, but ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, and our core. Because, when you finally “find yourself,” find your core, and connect with your true feelings—well, it’s all history from there. Finding yourself is really the first step in finding a lot of things, including finding the right person. I believe finding what they call, your purpose, is 80% of finding the love of your life (if you believe in that sort of thing). The remaining 20% is up to your environmental circumstances and the Universe.

I’ve really honed into the idea that there is no one you spend more time with than yourself. If you feel like you’ve spent most of your youth with someone else by yourself, well I hope you’re happy, but I know I wouldn’t be. I love being in love, but I love being with myself just as much, if not, even more. And I really didn’t believe that, until I was completely, superbly alone. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. The things I’ve learned not only about myself, but about people and the world, is truly not something I would’ve learned if I was in a relationship. It really involves you to become completely detached. Your detachment leaves you completely open to what is coming to you. A part of you has to be completely broken into, so another part of you can grow—into someone stronger, wiser, and better. And yes, it’s extremely uncomfortable.

Here’s the thing though: I missed writing, I felt a fear that I’d forget how to do it. I’ve begun to miss being in love. And now, I’ve developed a fear that I’ll forget how to be in a relationship. Humans are built for change; although we usually don’t welcome change, and feel profoundly uncomfortable when change is coming—we’re built for it. Because, it’s supposed to happen.

Recently, I’ve been feeling that change must happen, that it’s coming. It’s already happening in many parts of my life, but I still need more. Something different. Someone different. Sometimes, your friends and family don’t cut it. You love spending time with yourself, but you want some change. It could be a new job, a new goal, or a person. Just something different. 

And then, you recall how love made you feel and whoa, it felt different than you do now. Would you trade it for what you have now? Well, I don’t know. It’s not a Yes, but it’s also not a No. And that my friends—is the problem and beauty of love. It really makes you put everything else on the scale with it, and asks you: how much did you miss me?

It is February after all XO,

—N

P.S. This is the 2nd cover of Love Song that I absolutely love. It’s a little more melancholic. But, nothing beats the Original, and of course, the classic mellow 311 version. Amazing. Love you for life, Cure ❤

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