When You Miss Being in Love

It’s been a while. Since I’ve blogged, wrote, or really did anything remotely close to writing. I’ve done writing on paper, in a journal, or the Notes app on my iPhone, but not real writing. Oh my God, I’ve missed it so much. Recently, I was writing a short business letter for one of my employees, and I almost, for a second, felt like I couldn’t write. Obviously I did, but it was this fear of “have I forgotten already?” that just crept up on me, and it’s been on my mind since then. It’s been quite a while.

It’s been even longer since I’ve been in love. LOL. Feels funny typing it. Feels almost like an eternity. I think I’m just one of those people who believes/feels they are more complete with a partner, or in love. Even though a part of me knows that’s not true. It actually hasn’t been that long. Only about 2 & 1/2 years. Which really, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t long. I mean, when you look at it from a cat lady’s perspective—it’s really not long at all. But, when you look at it from someone who loves love, and everything about it, and who has felt love—no matter how fucked up or maybe one-sided it was—it feels like an eternity.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have really, truly, enjoyed being single. I cannot list how many PROS I’ve found in being “single.”  The TIME you have. Time is the most expensive thing you have in your life. It’s so valuable, but you can’t attach a price to it. It’s infinitely valuable—for the rest of your life. I can guarantee you, there will never be a period in your life where your time won’t be valuable. Everything else, will and can take a backseat, but not your time.

Being single is definitely a must in this time and age. Hey, if you happen to find the love of your life early in your life, good for you! But, if you haven’t, well that’s also amazing. There’s so many things you can do alone that really help in your personal development. I feel like how we live now, it’s not only critical to find high-quality people, but also dedicate your time to more than just making memories, making love, and some of the other trivial, carefree things that come with a relationship. All those things are AMAZING when they finally happen and the warm, fuzzy feelings of love are ultimately unbeatable—but that’s not all we’re here for. There’s more to life than finding the love of your life.

I think, as someone who can admit that they love the idea of love sometimes more than the person, it’s necessary for one in their mid-twenties to spend some time alone. Go through things alone. Sure, have your friends and family, but the support of a significant other is big. There’s just some things we discover in life when we’re in complete isolation. When we don’t feel connected to anyone, but ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, and our core. Because, when you finally “find yourself,” find your core, and connect with your true feelings—well, it’s all history from there. Finding yourself is really the first step in finding a lot of things, including finding the right person. I believe finding what they call, your purpose, is 80% of finding the love of your life (if you believe in that sort of thing). The remaining 20% is up to your environmental circumstances and the Universe.

I’ve really honed into the idea that there is no one you spend more time with than yourself. If you feel like you’ve spent most of your youth with someone else by yourself, well I hope you’re happy, but I know I wouldn’t be. I love being in love, but I love being with myself just as much, if not, even more. And I really didn’t believe that, until I was completely, superbly alone. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. The things I’ve learned not only about myself, but about people and the world, is truly not something I would’ve learned if I was in a relationship. It really involves you to become completely detached. Your detachment leaves you completely open to what is coming to you. A part of you has to be completely broken into, so another part of you can grow—into someone stronger, wiser, and better. And yes, it’s extremely uncomfortable.

Here’s the thing though: I missed writing, I felt a fear that I’d forget how to do it. I’ve begun to miss being in love. And now, I’ve developed a fear that I’ll forget how to be in a relationship. Humans are built for change; although we usually don’t welcome change, and feel profoundly uncomfortable when change is coming—we’re built for it. Because, it’s supposed to happen.

Recently, I’ve been feeling that change must happen, that it’s coming. It’s already happening in many parts of my life, but I still need more. Something different. Someone different. Sometimes, your friends and family don’t cut it. You love spending time with yourself, but you want some change. It could be a new job, a new goal, or a person. Just something different. 

And then, you recall how love made you feel and whoa, it felt different than you do now. Would you trade it for what you have now? Well, I don’t know. It’s not a Yes, but it’s also not a No. And that my friends—is the problem and beauty of love. It really makes you put everything else on the scale with it, and asks you: how much did you miss me?

It is February after all XO,

—N

P.S. This is the 2nd cover of Love Song that I absolutely love. It’s a little more melancholic. But, nothing beats the Original, and of course, the classic mellow 311 version. Amazing. Love you for life, Cure ❤

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Thoughts on Shitty Choices

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I was all ready to write and get all my thoughts together an hour ago, but I ended up reading something else I wrote almost 10 months ago… Scary. It was very, very scary to say the least. Hindsight is truly something. If I had just pushed, pressed, and listened to what was being said to me and done to me … I would’ve been out of this thing 10 months ago. That’s about 5 months before than it happened. 5 months of my life I would’ve had back; 5 extra months of healing. Actually, if I really think about it—I could’ve ended that horrible relationship before it even bloomed into a real “relationship.” I could’ve ended it when it when it was only 5 months old. I guess 5 is a thing or something. But, I was too weak. And optimistic. I was also always a big romantic, and wanted to fall in love. I wanted to take a chance, live my life, and enjoy my life… Didn’t know 3 years would fly by and all I had to show for it was absolute shit. I’m really not trying to be cynical or super-negative about it LOL really—but aside from all the “life lessons,” I really have shit. I could’ve learned these life lessons from A LOT OF OTHER PLACES AND WAYS, YOU KNOW. But I didn’t. I was with a shitty human being, who didn’t teach me good things, but taught me that shitty human beings exist everywhere, and many of them will be pretty, pretty close to you. (Larry David voice). I guess it’s still a lesson. Shitty lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.

Oh, well. No point in regretting the past, and beating myself now.

What I have recently learned, though, is that I really need to accept the fact that I was in a very bad relationship. Despite how positive and zen you try to get about it — you really need to face the facts eventually. It takes some guts to admit that you made a really shitty choice in a partner, spent time, money, and love on them, and you ended up having a really horrible relationship. Your investment, unfortunately, didn’t pay off. You took a risk and guess what, it was not a good idea. You can spin it a thousand ways — but rationally, it was a bad decision. A poor choice. You must’ve had some idea of what ways it could’ve gone, yet, you made your decision. And believe me, I am in a really good mood right now LOL, and am writing all this with a feeling of content. I’ve been trying to avoid the fact that I made such a bad fucking decision, but unfortunately I did. And the only thing—BELIEVE ME, there’s only one thing—I can do now is make a better decision next time around. More like 1000000000% better.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a key difference between successful and unsuccessful romantic relationships, and it’s not that one ends up in marriage or a forever, oh my god I will love you all my life type thing. What a successful romantic relationship does is teach you more about yourself and about the world—which includes its humans and all its lessons—and leaves you a better, well-rounded person regardless of the outcome. Not a broken, bitter, cold, destroyed person with trust issues and insecurity. The ones that do that, well, they were truly unsuccessful relationships. And you, my friend, did not succeed.

It really does suck to fail. (SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW! Like Nacho says). It sucks to know you made a bad decision, whether it’s buying a shitty t-shirt, making a bad business decision, or a bad choice for a partner. But really—what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Cry about it forever? Hell fucking no.

-n

My Life Right Now—

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At least I admit it. #NoRegrets

All this time I drank you like the cure—when you were the poison

I’m reading all the things I wrote to myself months ago and realizing, regretting, and hurting. I knew all of this so long ago—but was kept in the dark, manipulated, lied to—I was uncentered and drowning in doubt to realize the truth. Everything feels meaningless and yet so meaningful. It’s hard to understand the deceit and betrayal—but it exists. It will always exist. The difference might be that it won’t matter as much, it won’t hurt as much.

The mornings and nights are the worst. I’m too busy all day to dwell, yet I fall asleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. It sucks, but it must be part of the process. I’d like to erase everything from my memory, but that won’t really happen, and I no longer want it to happen. This is a necessary lesson, for someone like me. I needed this because I wouldn’t have learned anything if I didn’t actually go through it. However, there’s a difference between losing someone because the stars just aren’t aligning for you at the moment, and actually being deliberately betrayed — and that’s something I don’t think everyone should go through, that just fucking sucks.

I’m going through all the motions, the rollercoaster of an awful, awful breakup. Every day, I think of something different to wallow over. Another lie comes in my brain; something reminds me of him and I realize—oh, that was a lie too, huh. And then, I move on to realizing how not special I was to him. How he could do the same fucking things with her that he did with me. He didn’t leave anything — everything he did with me, say to me — he said to her. Then, I move to beating myself up; I regret not acting on my intuition, putting my honor + faith on the line, disrespecting my family, putting them last—all for someone who was never faithful to me. I regret letting myself get duped, used and abused. I’m embarrassed—no ashamed—for what I did with him and for him. I acted from a place of love, but it was sinful and sad, and the end could be nothing else than what it is now. The show is finally over and I am so glad.

And then I move on to my life that I finally have back. It’s back in my hands, clean and ready for a new story, a new journey. I think about all the great, amazing things that can now come out from a toxic-free, single, whole life. I realize I finally have that one opportunity to understand what it means to be a whole person. Then, I realize that there is someone out there for me whose going to be everything I’ve imagined. I always thought of him, even when I was with another. I know we will meet when the time is right and perfect for us—not a day sooner, not a day later. I know I will look back to this time of my life when I had the most growth, when I was the strongest although I felt the weakest, and I’ll know that this is when I defined myself, found myself, and built myself. I’ll look back and really understand why it didn’t, and never could, work out with anyone else in the world. By that point, I’ll be happy and satisfied by myself, too.

I know that I was meant for other things and the reality is finally here. And all I can do right now is accept this reality with an open heart, thank the God that loves and cares for me, and be ready.

 

Recommended: “13 Things Mentally Strong People Avoid”

Thank you, Forbes.com. Once again, you’ve delivered a quick, insightful article that has managed to influence my day and my way of thinking. And most importantly, thank you Ms. Cheryl Conner, for compiling a list you found interesting on your own, to be read by the masses.

This is a must-read for the beginning of the new year. It discusses Mentally Strong People: 13 Things They Avoid.

Enjoy,
N

That Cliché Resolutions List

Happy New Year, friends! I’ve decided that this year, I’m actually going to make a real resolutions list. I’ve never done one of these legit resolutions before, where I want to actually work on something on myself consistently. From what I can recall, I found resolutions rather silly — I usually just expected things to change, if they were meant to, year by year. Of course, there will always be certain things that you don’t have control over in your life, but most things in your life are. We don’t realize how much control we have over our lives. Most of us let the people around us control us, let circumstances influence our decisions, our moods, our behaviors.

2013 was one of the most mixed years of my life, for the lack of a better word. It was extremely hard, disappointing, painful, devastating, yet exciting, full of wisdom, love, and happiness. I lost very close people to my heart, friendships and relationships changed drastically, I got my first official job post-college, made new friendships, and got my feet a little wet in the real world. Obviously, there’s so much left for me to discover and know, but 2013 was a year that has begun to carve me into the kind of person I’m probably going to be in the next 5 years. The choice is mine, to stay in the dark places I was in last year, or hold on to the light I found. I’ve realized, I’m going to hold on to the light I found; and those of you who are having troubles (who isn’t, really?), there must have been some moments of light in 2013 —the choice to hold on to those moments is yours, no one else’s. Continue reading

Waste—

“My parents have since divorced (believe me parents divorcing when you are an adult is no easier than having them divorce when you are a child … especially when there is ‘another woman’ involved. Because you are an adult you are not shielded form any of the sordid little secrets as you would have been if you were a child; you are not protected from the screaming matches or the crying or the utter despair, the hurt and the depression.  You are put in the middle of it all and made to take sides. My little brother was 6 years younger than me. He was protected. It sent me into a deep depression. I just wish my Dad would have had the guts to end it all sooner […]”

It is both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know that most of us, in any corner of the world, go through the same exact thing.

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