Waste—

“My parents have since divorced (believe me parents divorcing when you are an adult is no easier than having them divorce when you are a child … especially when there is ‘another woman’ involved. Because you are an adult you are not shielded form any of the sordid little secrets as you would have been if you were a child; you are not protected from the screaming matches or the crying or the utter despair, the hurt and the depression.  You are put in the middle of it all and made to take sides. My little brother was 6 years younger than me. He was protected. It sent me into a deep depression. I just wish my Dad would have had the guts to end it all sooner […]”

It is both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know that most of us, in any corner of the world, go through the same exact thing.

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Distracted from Death

I am so devastated. If there’s one thing almost all of us have to deal with our lives at least once in our lives, it’s death. And the worst  part is, no one will teach you enough about it, how to cope with it, how to accept it, and what to make of it — you just have to figure it out all on your own. No matter how many degrees you have, if you’re the CEO of a company, or if you’ve reached the ultimate level of spirituality, there’s something unsettling about coming face to face with our mortality. And wondering what your loved one’s soul is going through over — and over — and over — and over again.

Two months & ten days ago, I lost my uncle. And my cousin, who is nothing less than my sister, lost her father.  I can never imagine how she felt, I may one day, but the fact that someone I love so dearly lost someone who was such a large part of her life, has just broken my heart. Today, I found out my sis-in-law (truthfully my ‘ex’ sis in law)’s mother passed away early this morning. I can’t even fathom what she’s going through right now, I may one day as well, but once again, someone I love so dearly has lost the only person she really had in this isolated world. Even worse, our relationship was so strained the last few months of her life, that I didn’t even have the opportunity to make amends. The most heartbreaking part of all this is that this time last year, we didn’t even think we’d be losing these two people in our lives. I mean, do you ever think that? Why would you even think that?

However, the reason I’m actually writing this right now is because I’ve been walking around, acting, talking, sleeping, laughing like none of these things have happened…I’ve been distracting myself soo well. I guess working 9 hours Monday-Friday helps a lot as well. I’m not too sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing —I guess writing about it helps when I’m distracting myself in the day-to-day life. But, I do know at the end of the day, that this just sucks. I guess I have not reached the levels of spirituality, reality, acceptance taught by Buddhism, that everything we cherish we will lose….it’s not sad, but it’s the truth, and from knowing the truth, you will grow and move on.

But at 22, this truth really freaking hurts.

Not there yet,

N.

Whoa :O

Tomorrow I’ll be ending my first full week of “work,” plus three days from last week. And yes, I am employed; it’s so weird and happened so awfully fast. Ever since I’ve started ‘working,’ I’ve realized so many things about so many things. It’s not like I didn’t know some of these things before, but now I see them from different perspectives.

However, most things haven’t changed. For example: Time. It’s still going by so goddamn fast, not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’m not sure the things I’m doing right now are the right things, or the best things for me, or the worst. I really don’t know, and I wish I knew if I was or not. I guess that’s the challenge for a lot of people, and overall, our lives. Are we wasting our times or utilizing it? Are we really doing the things we want, or are we just following what everyone around us have shown us?

Sorry, I dwell in these rhetorical thoughts once a month.

—N

why .?

I must ask

why?
porque?
perche?
KYU?

do people eat so loudly … ? What is the significance of it? And why do they? Is it something physical—that has to do with their gross teeth, hideous tongue, and awful mouth? or is it something more emotional and mental—do they need to hear themselves? Does that make them all excited, to know that every piece is being chewed and eventually digested into their system? Are they really that insecure that they need to know?

Or do they just do it so people like ME, who are passive and unemployed, can write late night blog posts about their awful habits? Are they encouraging me to write? Do they really want me to blog that bad?

So does this mean they are, ultimately, writing angels, who awake all my senses, and force me to write? Is that what they are? Maybe.

Bitchin’

It’s February 2nd and I guess Mother Nature is going to give me my monthly reminder that I’m a woman and this may be TMI for some of you “readers,” but I am going to bitch a lot right now. And you know what, it’s not my fault. It’s the other person’s fault—actually it’s everyone’s fault. Everyone is ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, everyone around me is ridiculous, even the pet that I don’t own is freaking ridiculous and inconsiderate, insensitive, and everything else that is the opposite of nice, kind, and thoughtful.

I don’t know why people talk/text/call me when they don’t even know how to be PEOPLE, they don’t even know how to act like A HUMAN BEING. Further, they still have the audacity to attempt to hold a civilized conversation with me when they probably know that I am really annoyed at them and if it’s not them, I’m probably pissed off at someone else.

SO WHY!? Why do you wanna talk to me and make yourself pretend that you’re making me feel better!? You’re probably the reason I’m pissed off right now. You’re probably the reason WHY White Toberlone isn’t regularly available in the United States, because YOU probably don’t like white chocolate, and I’m the minority. You’re the reason why I’m pretty much sitting here, bitchin’, instead of writing creative fiction, at 3am. Maybe if you did things differently, chewed differently, talked differently, spoke to me differently, then maybe I wouldn’t be so pissed off. I know no one is in charge of my happiness, but you know what people, sometimes it’s nice, sometimes it’s REALLY FUCKING SWEET if people were nice to you when you weren’t feeling so nice, because guess what, not feeling nice all the goddamn time is a human emotion. But, of course, only HUMANS know about human emotions, and I don’t live around humans—I live around mofos.

SIGH….well, this is nothing a few episodes of The Office can’t solve..

SUCK IT. SUCK A TOOTSIE ROLL THAT WAS RUBBED ON THE TOILET SEAT OF AN NYC BATHROOM, YOU JERK.

I know this is not greatly directed; i love it but what can you do when you’re partying? However, the real question is: Is it awesome or eerie that the video is actually 22 seconds long…?

09/29/2012

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