This day in February: 1 Year Later

I can’t believe the last time I wrote a public post on this sad thing I call my “blog” was exactly one year ago today. And it was about how I slightly missed being in love. Well, I guess I could say I may, kinda, sorta be on that love train now. But we’ll get to that later.

It’s funny, because I didn’t plan to write a blog post a year later on the same day. If anything, it’s pretty freaking sad that it took me a year to decide to do this. Why am I this way? I don’t know. However, I did write a private entry 3 months ago…. which I’m conflicted whether I should do or not. It’s not like I have plenty of people reading my blog. And if I really don’t want people reading it — well then maybe I shouldn’t have a blog right? Right. Secondly, if I don’t want it shared on my Twitter, it’s pretty freaking easy to change the setting so that it’s not shared to my Twitter page. Do you see where I’m going with this, Nadia? Yeah, you ran out of excuses a year ago, and now you’re just making an embarrassment of yourself. LOL.

The last 4 years of my life have been quite crazy. There’s a lot of shit that’s happened — both good and bad — of course I’ve chosen to focus on the bad about 3 & 1/2 years of it, but nonetheless there has been some, no A LOT, of good. The thing is, whenever some shit happens in your life, that’s when you have the most growth. And that’s generally when things have to change. Without your permission.

I believe that the Universe, God, or whatever you believe in, gives you many subtle chances and opportunities to change. Easy avenues for you to make a difference in your every day routine, your perspective, maybe even your goals and dreams. And plenty of us, don’t take or listen to those subtle signs. We wait it out for as long as we can, because let’s face it — people don’t like change. Sure, there’s some people who will claim that they would much rather live a very exciting crazy life, but there comes a moment when everyone craves stability and security. And if you don’t, well the people around you do, and thus, you’re forced to pick something that makes them feel stable with you. Either way – humans don’t like change.

So, when the Universe nudges you in small ways to change, you continuously ignore it. You’re like, it’s okay I don’t need to do this now. I can do this next week. Or next month. Or next year. Let me continue this routine. Until one day, those subtle nudges turn into storms where the shit hits the fan. And that, my friends, is when you have to change. Whether you like it or not. Without your permission. So, basically, I’ve been forced to change. Because the Universe basically put a gun to my head and was like BETCH YOU NEED TO STOP BEING DUMB AF AND GET IT TOGETHER. But in a much more, well-polished way that made me realize that yes Life, I need to change. And guess what, I have! I’ve tried to become an adult, that’s very self-aware of her flaws, strengths, weaknesses, and have learned how to make good money and take care of it. Don’t know how to cook just yet though.

However, there’s one thing that I have constantly done in these last 4 years that have been fairly bad to my soul: I have stopped writing. It’s probably been a good 2 & 1/2 years since I’ve written a piece about anything. Like nothing. Not even a freaking recipe. I have not published anything in over 2 & 1/2 years and oh my God, has it been painful.

I have been writing e-mails and text messages with such prose and grammar that I sometimes forget that most people don’t even value that kind of shit anymore in their every day e-mail and text messages. There are people that still value letters (like my best friend 4 lyfe Jizzabell) and Thank God for her (and other people on the internet) who will always love the “Humanities.” Because guess what guys!? It’s gonna sound corny but that’s what makes us human. Yes, it’s true—English, History, Philosophy, Languages—is what’s making the world still go round. You can put your Tech and Science to the side. Because it’s the Humanities that have made Tech and Science what it is. We’re the ones that polish it and make it easier for you to comprehend, and we’re the reason why things even get to fruition, because we plant the seed of thought, discovery, and purpose.

Anyways, long story short (789 words later): I’m trying to say that since I stopped writing, my life has had a void that no one and nothing has been able to fill. However, since last year — I’ve come a long way. There’s a lot of blog posts I wrote in my head. It’s been marvelous. But you’re not a writer if you don’t write. So maybe I shouldn’t call myself that anymore when I go on dates. Well, I don’t really call myself that when I go on dates, I mention it briefly, in passing, just like I say that purple is my favorite color, and roses and jasmine are my favorite flowers, and that I would like to spend the rest of my life baking and becoming a florist. But like I said, in passing. I have a 27 things on my to-do list sitting in front of me right now that have ZERO to do with writing and everything to do with things that I sometimes feel I don’t even enjoy doing. But, like I said, I’ve come a long way since February 5, 2018.

Firstly, I’ve learned how to make to-do lists work for me. Of course, today is not a great example. But, I’ve finally given up planners. I discovered the world of Bullet Journal, and although I am not a connoisseur of the practice—it’s amazing and has changed my life. It’s for people who appreciate structured chaos. It’s a way for people like me who have way too many things going on in their head and lives, too many categories of things to do, to put it all down somewhere that has a simple system but no constriction.

Secondly, I’ve calmed the fuck down a little bit. At least outwardly. I no longer go completely psycho when things go wrong in my business. Internally, yes I’m freaking the hell out. But I have learned to control my “energy” around the people I work. I don’t want to choke my dad when I realize he made a pretty bad business decision. Rather I take a step back and think about why he did it the way he did it. Almost all of the time, I see why, and although it sucks at the time, I learn so much from it. This has come after a very, very long time of self-reflection, getting into my head until I can’t think anymore, and actually listening to constructive criticism without having a titty attack. After all, if you can’t take criticism when you’re almost 30 — when will you?

And finally, I’ve finally seen the light. I never lost God, but wow—when I say I found him, well I found Him. Spirituality was always a constant in my life, regardless of my lifestyle, and also the reason why I truly feel I was somehow protected from making worse decisions for myself. There’s a lot of bad things that surround the word “religion.” Rules, regulations, scrutiny, punishment, sin, injustice, Hell. But there’s one word that  doesn’t come up as often as it should and that is — Creator. The one who Created you. You came from somewhere, don’t get it twisted, you did. And there’s nothing wrong with reading, researching, disagreeing, and deciding which scientific theory makes you more comfortable — but at the end of it, you came from somewhere. And you know how I know that? Because we, as human beings, are never going to feel fulfilled. Other people, things, money, careers, status, power — they’re only going to fulfill the people who are hollow. But there will come a point in your life where all these things will get old. They’ll get routine. And you’ll start looking for something else. Until you find a new thing, which too will get old eventually. If you’re someone that reflects — well you will never find what you’re missing or looking for in people, things, and status. The final piece of the puzzle is your relationship with your Creator. That’s the only place you can find that fulfillment, and let me tell you — that journey can take your whole life. Because it’s not the Creator who is complex, it’s that WE are complex.

We fight that journey until we realize we don’t want to fight it anymore. It’s realizing that there is more to life than everything we keep ourselves busy with. It’s realizing that the only way you can get to what more is there to life is by practicing what I like to call, a level of healthy detachment. We’re all attached to things that truthfully, bring us a lot more pain than we realize, and we get trapped into these cycles of more pain. Some of us don’t; maybe some of us have led very easy lives with perfect relationships, but I’m not talking to those people (especially because they don’t exist). But all of us have “Tests.” And those those tests can make you or break you. You can come out of those tests like a phoenix in the ashes, or dig a hole for your grave while you’re still alive, because death would be easier than living the miserable life you’ve created for yourself.

I’m only 28—never been married, have no kids, never had to work too hard for money in my youth—so there’s a lot I probably have to learn. But this makes so much sense to me. There’s plenty of people who have more life experience than me who have found themselves at the same crossroads. What healthy detachment does is it frees you from all the shit that you’ve created in your life and your mind. It frees you from the result, and makes you realize the only one you need to please is your Creator —who only asks that you take care of your soul. However, taking care of your soul is not easy. Especially when everyone around you is conditioned to do it otherwise. What I’ve found in Islam is that it’s kind of like a bootcamp class for your soul. It’s not easy at all, but you get better at it every class, and it’s there so you can finally achieve THAT LEVEL of strength and beauty that you’re striving for.

I could write about this for another 1000 words, but I’ll stop here. Oh, and I think the Universe is working in my favor a lot when I tell you that a year ago — I was missing being in love. And now, exactly a year later… I may have found my person. Still practicing that healthy detachment but gosh does love make it 1000x harder!

Happy V-Day Betches,

-n

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When You Miss Being in Love

It’s been a while. Since I’ve blogged, wrote, or really did anything remotely close to writing. I’ve done writing on paper, in a journal, or the Notes app on my iPhone, but not real writing. Oh my God, I’ve missed it so much. Recently, I was writing a short business letter for one of my employees, and I almost, for a second, felt like I couldn’t write. Obviously I did, but it was this fear of “have I forgotten already?” that just crept up on me, and it’s been on my mind since then. It’s been quite a while.

It’s been even longer since I’ve been in love. LOL. Feels funny typing it. Feels almost like an eternity. I think I’m just one of those people who believes/feels they are more complete with a partner, or in love. Even though a part of me knows that’s not true. It actually hasn’t been that long. Only about 2 & 1/2 years. Which really, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t long. I mean, when you look at it from a cat lady’s perspective—it’s really not long at all. But, when you look at it from someone who loves love, and everything about it, and who has felt love—no matter how fucked up or maybe one-sided it was—it feels like an eternity.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have really, truly, enjoyed being single. I cannot list how many PROS I’ve found in being “single.”  The TIME you have. Time is the most expensive thing you have in your life. It’s so valuable, but you can’t attach a price to it. It’s infinitely valuable—for the rest of your life. I can guarantee you, there will never be a period in your life where your time won’t be valuable. Everything else, will and can take a backseat, but not your time.

Being single is definitely a must in this time and age. Hey, if you happen to find the love of your life early in your life, good for you! But, if you haven’t, well that’s also amazing. There’s so many things you can do alone that really help in your personal development. I feel like how we live now, it’s not only critical to find high-quality people, but also dedicate your time to more than just making memories, making love, and some of the other trivial, carefree things that come with a relationship. All those things are AMAZING when they finally happen and the warm, fuzzy feelings of love are ultimately unbeatable—but that’s not all we’re here for. There’s more to life than finding the love of your life.

I think, as someone who can admit that they love the idea of love sometimes more than the person, it’s necessary for one in their mid-twenties to spend some time alone. Go through things alone. Sure, have your friends and family, but the support of a significant other is big. There’s just some things we discover in life when we’re in complete isolation. When we don’t feel connected to anyone, but ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, and our core. Because, when you finally “find yourself,” find your core, and connect with your true feelings—well, it’s all history from there. Finding yourself is really the first step in finding a lot of things, including finding the right person. I believe finding what they call, your purpose, is 80% of finding the love of your life (if you believe in that sort of thing). The remaining 20% is up to your environmental circumstances and the Universe.

I’ve really honed into the idea that there is no one you spend more time with than yourself. If you feel like you’ve spent most of your youth with someone else by yourself, well I hope you’re happy, but I know I wouldn’t be. I love being in love, but I love being with myself just as much, if not, even more. And I really didn’t believe that, until I was completely, superbly alone. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. The things I’ve learned not only about myself, but about people and the world, is truly not something I would’ve learned if I was in a relationship. It really involves you to become completely detached. Your detachment leaves you completely open to what is coming to you. A part of you has to be completely broken into, so another part of you can grow—into someone stronger, wiser, and better. And yes, it’s extremely uncomfortable.

Here’s the thing though: I missed writing, I felt a fear that I’d forget how to do it. I’ve begun to miss being in love. And now, I’ve developed a fear that I’ll forget how to be in a relationship. Humans are built for change; although we usually don’t welcome change, and feel profoundly uncomfortable when change is coming—we’re built for it. Because, it’s supposed to happen.

Recently, I’ve been feeling that change must happen, that it’s coming. It’s already happening in many parts of my life, but I still need more. Something different. Someone different. Sometimes, your friends and family don’t cut it. You love spending time with yourself, but you want some change. It could be a new job, a new goal, or a person. Just something different. 

And then, you recall how love made you feel and whoa, it felt different than you do now. Would you trade it for what you have now? Well, I don’t know. It’s not a Yes, but it’s also not a No. And that my friends—is the problem and beauty of love. It really makes you put everything else on the scale with it, and asks you: how much did you miss me?

It is February after all XO,

—N

P.S. This is the 2nd cover of Love Song that I absolutely love. It’s a little more melancholic. But, nothing beats the Original, and of course, the classic mellow 311 version. Amazing. Love you for life, Cure ❤

All this time I drank you like the cure—when you were the poison

I’m reading all the things I wrote to myself months ago and realizing, regretting, and hurting. I knew all of this so long ago—but was kept in the dark, manipulated, lied to—I was uncentered and drowning in doubt to realize the truth. Everything feels meaningless and yet so meaningful. It’s hard to understand the deceit and betrayal—but it exists. It will always exist. The difference might be that it won’t matter as much, it won’t hurt as much.

The mornings and nights are the worst. I’m too busy all day to dwell, yet I fall asleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. It sucks, but it must be part of the process. I’d like to erase everything from my memory, but that won’t really happen, and I no longer want it to happen. This is a necessary lesson, for someone like me. I needed this because I wouldn’t have learned anything if I didn’t actually go through it. However, there’s a difference between losing someone because the stars just aren’t aligning for you at the moment, and actually being deliberately betrayed — and that’s something I don’t think everyone should go through, that just fucking sucks.

I’m going through all the motions, the rollercoaster of an awful, awful breakup. Every day, I think of something different to wallow over. Another lie comes in my brain; something reminds me of him and I realize—oh, that was a lie too, huh. And then, I move on to realizing how not special I was to him. How he could do the same fucking things with her that he did with me. He didn’t leave anything — everything he did with me, say to me — he said to her. Then, I move to beating myself up; I regret not acting on my intuition, putting my honor + faith on the line, disrespecting my family, putting them last—all for someone who was never faithful to me. I regret letting myself get duped, used and abused. I’m embarrassed—no ashamed—for what I did with him and for him. I acted from a place of love, but it was sinful and sad, and the end could be nothing else than what it is now. The show is finally over and I am so glad.

And then I move on to my life that I finally have back. It’s back in my hands, clean and ready for a new story, a new journey. I think about all the great, amazing things that can now come out from a toxic-free, single, whole life. I realize I finally have that one opportunity to understand what it means to be a whole person. Then, I realize that there is someone out there for me whose going to be everything I’ve imagined. I always thought of him, even when I was with another. I know we will meet when the time is right and perfect for us—not a day sooner, not a day later. I know I will look back to this time of my life when I had the most growth, when I was the strongest although I felt the weakest, and I’ll know that this is when I defined myself, found myself, and built myself. I’ll look back and really understand why it didn’t, and never could, work out with anyone else in the world. By that point, I’ll be happy and satisfied by myself, too.

I know that I was meant for other things and the reality is finally here. And all I can do right now is accept this reality with an open heart, thank the God that loves and cares for me, and be ready.

 

But, Like, Why Didn’t I Make My Resume Like This?

Once again, I have discovered a song a little after the fact. But, it’s never too late to discover good music. The song has got some weird, hipster lyrics and a cool vibe to it, but aside from a great beat, I really like how it goes from an upbeat, fast song to ending in a slow, mellow tone. Makes sense with our emotions.

Wake up and look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hand upon my face
Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you
And haunts you

I think I might’ve inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you
And haunts you

I think I might’ve inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

The spaces in between
Two minds and all the places they have been
The spaces in between
I try to put my finger on it
I try to put my finger on it

I think I might’ve inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

I think I might’ve inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you floating in me

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nowadays, I’ve been living for those few moments of love, passion, & ecstasy—
granted, they are happiness for maybe the short-term, but they feel so amazing.

Sometimes, when we’re going about our day, engrossed in everything we’re supposed to be doing, we easily forget how strongly someone leaves a part of themselves with us. Or rather, how much we leave ourselves with them.

 -n

why .?

I must ask

why?
porque?
perche?
KYU?

do people eat so loudly … ? What is the significance of it? And why do they? Is it something physical—that has to do with their gross teeth, hideous tongue, and awful mouth? or is it something more emotional and mental—do they need to hear themselves? Does that make them all excited, to know that every piece is being chewed and eventually digested into their system? Are they really that insecure that they need to know?

Or do they just do it so people like ME, who are passive and unemployed, can write late night blog posts about their awful habits? Are they encouraging me to write? Do they really want me to blog that bad?

So does this mean they are, ultimately, writing angels, who awake all my senses, and force me to write? Is that what they are? Maybe.

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