Distracted from Death

I am so devastated. If there’s one thing almost all of us have to deal with our lives at least once in our lives, it’s death. And the worst  part is, no one will teach you enough about it, how to cope with it, how to accept it, and what to make of it — you just have to figure it out all on your own. No matter how many degrees you have, if you’re the CEO of a company, or if you’ve reached the ultimate level of spirituality, there’s something unsettling about coming face to face with our mortality. And wondering what your loved one’s soul is going through over — and over — and over — and over again.

Two months & ten days ago, I lost my uncle. And my cousin, who is nothing less than my sister, lost her father.  I can never imagine how she felt, I may one day, but the fact that someone I love so dearly lost someone who was such a large part of her life, has just broken my heart. Today, I found out my sis-in-law (truthfully my ‘ex’ sis in law)’s mother passed away early this morning. I can’t even fathom what she’s going through right now, I may one day as well, but once again, someone I love so dearly has lost the only person she really had in this isolated world. Even worse, our relationship was so strained the last few months of her life, that I didn’t even have the opportunity to make amends. The most heartbreaking part of all this is that this time last year, we didn’t even think we’d be losing these two people in our lives. I mean, do you ever think that? Why would you even think that?

However, the reason I’m actually writing this right now is because I’ve been walking around, acting, talking, sleeping, laughing like none of these things have happened…I’ve been distracting myself soo well. I guess working 9 hours Monday-Friday helps a lot as well. I’m not too sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing —I guess writing about it helps when I’m distracting myself in the day-to-day life. But, I do know at the end of the day, that this just sucks. I guess I have not reached the levels of spirituality, reality, acceptance taught by Buddhism, that everything we cherish we will lose….it’s not sad, but it’s the truth, and from knowing the truth, you will grow and move on.

But at 22, this truth really freaking hurts.

Not there yet,

N.

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Whoa :O

Tomorrow I’ll be ending my first full week of “work,” plus three days from last week. And yes, I am employed; it’s so weird and happened so awfully fast. Ever since I’ve started ‘working,’ I’ve realized so many things about so many things. It’s not like I didn’t know some of these things before, but now I see them from different perspectives.

However, most things haven’t changed. For example: Time. It’s still going by so goddamn fast, not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’m not sure the things I’m doing right now are the right things, or the best things for me, or the worst. I really don’t know, and I wish I knew if I was or not. I guess that’s the challenge for a lot of people, and overall, our lives. Are we wasting our times or utilizing it? Are we really doing the things we want, or are we just following what everyone around us have shown us?

Sorry, I dwell in these rhetorical thoughts once a month.

—N

Bitchin’

It’s February 2nd and I guess Mother Nature is going to give me my monthly reminder that I’m a woman and this may be TMI for some of you “readers,” but I am going to bitch a lot right now. And you know what, it’s not my fault. It’s the other person’s fault—actually it’s everyone’s fault. Everyone is ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, everyone around me is ridiculous, even the pet that I don’t own is freaking ridiculous and inconsiderate, insensitive, and everything else that is the opposite of nice, kind, and thoughtful.

I don’t know why people talk/text/call me when they don’t even know how to be PEOPLE, they don’t even know how to act like A HUMAN BEING. Further, they still have the audacity to attempt to hold a civilized conversation with me when they probably know that I am really annoyed at them and if it’s not them, I’m probably pissed off at someone else.

SO WHY!? Why do you wanna talk to me and make yourself pretend that you’re making me feel better!? You’re probably the reason I’m pissed off right now. You’re probably the reason WHY White Toberlone isn’t regularly available in the United States, because YOU probably don’t like white chocolate, and I’m the minority. You’re the reason why I’m pretty much sitting here, bitchin’, instead of writing creative fiction, at 3am. Maybe if you did things differently, chewed differently, talked differently, spoke to me differently, then maybe I wouldn’t be so pissed off. I know no one is in charge of my happiness, but you know what people, sometimes it’s nice, sometimes it’s REALLY FUCKING SWEET if people were nice to you when you weren’t feeling so nice, because guess what, not feeling nice all the goddamn time is a human emotion. But, of course, only HUMANS know about human emotions, and I don’t live around humans—I live around mofos.

SIGH….well, this is nothing a few episodes of The Office can’t solve..

SUCK IT. SUCK A TOOTSIE ROLL THAT WAS RUBBED ON THE TOILET SEAT OF AN NYC BATHROOM, YOU JERK.

Hindsight Cont’d:

I am so very full of regrets right now. So full that I’ve got no choice but to finally write a blog entry on these awful, awful feelings of regret. I don’t write much anymore; I definitely don’t write about my personal feelings—very rarely. Tonight, however, I must recap on how far I’ve gone with my regrets, hindsights, and daily things that maybe some people might consider miniscule, but they eat at me like nothing else.

I’m not too sure where all this stems from—insecurities, lack of organization, indecisiveness, love, or maybe I have a talent for being very skilled in hindsight—I should probably ask a psychologist. I guess one of the biggest backhanded compliments one can receive is exactly that: “you’re very advanced in hindsight,” because guess what that means? That means you lack foresight; you lack knowing what to do about something before it’s happened. You probably could never get a job as Ms. Cleo, or anything that involves tarot cards or a crystal ball because you probably would realize after your unhappy customer left that you should’ve plugged the cord for the crystal ball in before they arrived, not after. The literary talent of foreshadowing probably flew over your head when you were reading Poe, or any other author, for that matter. The Three Wise Men should’ve visited you, before Jesus. Maybe if your parents named you ‘Prudence,’ your much needed judgment would arrive before the fact, not after. Further, you cannot be described by adjectives, but more by verbs which highlight your lack of action in the right places at the right time: “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.”

And most likely, two of the biggest things that continue to eat you is (1) the fact that your thoughts/ideas/decisions that arrive after the fact are so damn extraordinary and matchless to anything you or anyone could have thought of or  even done before. And (2) when you orate your regrets to the foresighted people around you, they tell you to stop being so hard on yourself. But, if you won’t, then who will?

Happy September 2nd!

So, I know I am not a very successful blogger, actually I’m probably not even a blogger, but I am attempting and I’m going to continue to attempt, despite my failed attempts. What I have a very hard time doing is deciding what the hell I want to write about. Honestly, how ridiculous is that? I’m a writer, I shouldn’t have a problem deciding what in the world I want to write about—right? Well, whenever I attempt to write on my blog(s), I am stumped. Continue reading

I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad …

I got sunshine in a bag

I’m unsure what I am scared of when I begin thinking of blogging. Right before I sit down to actually start blogging, I am explosive with ideas, excited with motivation, and optimistic about the end result of my blog post. But, once I open up my WordPress and begin typing… bam. Scared. Afraid. Confused. Unconfident. What’s wrong with me? I have no idea. However, I do know one thing: today, I had some sort of “awakening,” “enlightenment,” when I read a Forbes article on Frances Bridges. Continue reading

4 WEEKS!

Until I graduate college.

Holy. Lord. Of. The. Heavens.

Why did time go by so fast?! Why IS time going by so fast!? I’m trying to enjoy, savor, absorb every moment I have left, because seriously, I’ve never enjoyed my semester at SLUTGERZ more than I have now. Don’t know what it is. :-*

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