When You Miss Being in Love

It’s been a while. Since I’ve blogged, wrote, or really did anything remotely close to writing. I’ve done writing on paper, in a journal, or the Notes app on my iPhone, but not real writing. Oh my God, I’ve missed it so much. Recently, I was writing a short business letter for one of my employees, and I almost, for a second, felt like I couldn’t write. Obviously I did, but it was this fear of “have I forgotten already?” that just crept up on me, and it’s been on my mind since then. It’s been quite a while.

It’s been even longer since I’ve been in love. LOL. Feels funny typing it. Feels almost like an eternity. I think I’m just one of those people who believes/feels they are more complete with a partner, or in love. Even though a part of me knows that’s not true. It actually hasn’t been that long. Only about 2 & 1/2 years. Which really, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t long. I mean, when you look at it from a cat lady’s perspective—it’s really not long at all. But, when you look at it from someone who loves love, and everything about it, and who has felt love—no matter how fucked up or maybe one-sided it was—it feels like an eternity.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have really, truly, enjoyed being single. I cannot list how many PROS I’ve found in being “single.”  The TIME you have. Time is the most expensive thing you have in your life. It’s so valuable, but you can’t attach a price to it. It’s infinitely valuable—for the rest of your life. I can guarantee you, there will never be a period in your life where your time won’t be valuable. Everything else, will and can take a backseat, but not your time.

Being single is definitely a must in this time and age. Hey, if you happen to find the love of your life early in your life, good for you! But, if you haven’t, well that’s also amazing. There’s so many things you can do alone that really help in your personal development. I feel like how we live now, it’s not only critical to find high-quality people, but also dedicate your time to more than just making memories, making love, and some of the other trivial, carefree things that come with a relationship. All those things are AMAZING when they finally happen and the warm, fuzzy feelings of love are ultimately unbeatable—but that’s not all we’re here for. There’s more to life than finding the love of your life.

I think, as someone who can admit that they love the idea of love sometimes more than the person, it’s necessary for one in their mid-twenties to spend some time alone. Go through things alone. Sure, have your friends and family, but the support of a significant other is big. There’s just some things we discover in life when we’re in complete isolation. When we don’t feel connected to anyone, but ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, and our core. Because, when you finally “find yourself,” find your core, and connect with your true feelings—well, it’s all history from there. Finding yourself is really the first step in finding a lot of things, including finding the right person. I believe finding what they call, your purpose, is 80% of finding the love of your life (if you believe in that sort of thing). The remaining 20% is up to your environmental circumstances and the Universe.

I’ve really honed into the idea that there is no one you spend more time with than yourself. If you feel like you’ve spent most of your youth with someone else by yourself, well I hope you’re happy, but I know I wouldn’t be. I love being in love, but I love being with myself just as much, if not, even more. And I really didn’t believe that, until I was completely, superbly alone. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. The things I’ve learned not only about myself, but about people and the world, is truly not something I would’ve learned if I was in a relationship. It really involves you to become completely detached. Your detachment leaves you completely open to what is coming to you. A part of you has to be completely broken into, so another part of you can grow—into someone stronger, wiser, and better. And yes, it’s extremely uncomfortable.

Here’s the thing though: I missed writing, I felt a fear that I’d forget how to do it. I’ve begun to miss being in love. And now, I’ve developed a fear that I’ll forget how to be in a relationship. Humans are built for change; although we usually don’t welcome change, and feel profoundly uncomfortable when change is coming—we’re built for it. Because, it’s supposed to happen.

Recently, I’ve been feeling that change must happen, that it’s coming. It’s already happening in many parts of my life, but I still need more. Something different. Someone different. Sometimes, your friends and family don’t cut it. You love spending time with yourself, but you want some change. It could be a new job, a new goal, or a person. Just something different. 

And then, you recall how love made you feel and whoa, it felt different than you do now. Would you trade it for what you have now? Well, I don’t know. It’s not a Yes, but it’s also not a No. And that my friends—is the problem and beauty of love. It really makes you put everything else on the scale with it, and asks you: how much did you miss me?

It is February after all XO,

—N

P.S. This is the 2nd cover of Love Song that I absolutely love. It’s a little more melancholic. But, nothing beats the Original, and of course, the classic mellow 311 version. Amazing. Love you for life, Cure ❤

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All this time I drank you like the cure—when you were the poison

I’m reading all the things I wrote to myself months ago and realizing, regretting, and hurting. I knew all of this so long ago—but was kept in the dark, manipulated, lied to—I was uncentered and drowning in doubt to realize the truth. Everything feels meaningless and yet so meaningful. It’s hard to understand the deceit and betrayal—but it exists. It will always exist. The difference might be that it won’t matter as much, it won’t hurt as much.

The mornings and nights are the worst. I’m too busy all day to dwell, yet I fall asleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. It sucks, but it must be part of the process. I’d like to erase everything from my memory, but that won’t really happen, and I no longer want it to happen. This is a necessary lesson, for someone like me. I needed this because I wouldn’t have learned anything if I didn’t actually go through it. However, there’s a difference between losing someone because the stars just aren’t aligning for you at the moment, and actually being deliberately betrayed — and that’s something I don’t think everyone should go through, that just fucking sucks.

I’m going through all the motions, the rollercoaster of an awful, awful breakup. Every day, I think of something different to wallow over. Another lie comes in my brain; something reminds me of him and I realize—oh, that was a lie too, huh. And then, I move on to realizing how not special I was to him. How he could do the same fucking things with her that he did with me. He didn’t leave anything — everything he did with me, say to me — he said to her. Then, I move to beating myself up; I regret not acting on my intuition, putting my honor + faith on the line, disrespecting my family, putting them last—all for someone who was never faithful to me. I regret letting myself get duped, used and abused. I’m embarrassed—no ashamed—for what I did with him and for him. I acted from a place of love, but it was sinful and sad, and the end could be nothing else than what it is now. The show is finally over and I am so glad.

And then I move on to my life that I finally have back. It’s back in my hands, clean and ready for a new story, a new journey. I think about all the great, amazing things that can now come out from a toxic-free, single, whole life. I realize I finally have that one opportunity to understand what it means to be a whole person. Then, I realize that there is someone out there for me whose going to be everything I’ve imagined. I always thought of him, even when I was with another. I know we will meet when the time is right and perfect for us—not a day sooner, not a day later. I know I will look back to this time of my life when I had the most growth, when I was the strongest although I felt the weakest, and I’ll know that this is when I defined myself, found myself, and built myself. I’ll look back and really understand why it didn’t, and never could, work out with anyone else in the world. By that point, I’ll be happy and satisfied by myself, too.

I know that I was meant for other things and the reality is finally here. And all I can do right now is accept this reality with an open heart, thank the God that loves and cares for me, and be ready.

 

I Bought My Own Domain!

I’ve been attempting to write something meaningful, enlightening, and exciting tonight. However, I don’t think I can come up with much. But, I do have news! I finally bought into WordPress’ tempting little blurbs on purchasing your domain for just $18/year (it’s really around $26, if you add some security measures). I didn’t think I should buy my own domain since I don’t blog much … didn’t feel like I deserved it. And I also felt like I needed a “cooler” name. It seems like I’m never going to come up with a better name. But, I still did it and YAY! I feel super, duper special.  Continue reading

Whoa :O

Tomorrow I’ll be ending my first full week of “work,” plus three days from last week. And yes, I am employed; it’s so weird and happened so awfully fast. Ever since I’ve started ‘working,’ I’ve realized so many things about so many things. It’s not like I didn’t know some of these things before, but now I see them from different perspectives.

However, most things haven’t changed. For example: Time. It’s still going by so goddamn fast, not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’m not sure the things I’m doing right now are the right things, or the best things for me, or the worst. I really don’t know, and I wish I knew if I was or not. I guess that’s the challenge for a lot of people, and overall, our lives. Are we wasting our times or utilizing it? Are we really doing the things we want, or are we just following what everyone around us have shown us?

Sorry, I dwell in these rhetorical thoughts once a month.

—N

Bitchin’

It’s February 2nd and I guess Mother Nature is going to give me my monthly reminder that I’m a woman and this may be TMI for some of you “readers,” but I am going to bitch a lot right now. And you know what, it’s not my fault. It’s the other person’s fault—actually it’s everyone’s fault. Everyone is ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, everyone around me is ridiculous, even the pet that I don’t own is freaking ridiculous and inconsiderate, insensitive, and everything else that is the opposite of nice, kind, and thoughtful.

I don’t know why people talk/text/call me when they don’t even know how to be PEOPLE, they don’t even know how to act like A HUMAN BEING. Further, they still have the audacity to attempt to hold a civilized conversation with me when they probably know that I am really annoyed at them and if it’s not them, I’m probably pissed off at someone else.

SO WHY!? Why do you wanna talk to me and make yourself pretend that you’re making me feel better!? You’re probably the reason I’m pissed off right now. You’re probably the reason WHY White Toberlone isn’t regularly available in the United States, because YOU probably don’t like white chocolate, and I’m the minority. You’re the reason why I’m pretty much sitting here, bitchin’, instead of writing creative fiction, at 3am. Maybe if you did things differently, chewed differently, talked differently, spoke to me differently, then maybe I wouldn’t be so pissed off. I know no one is in charge of my happiness, but you know what people, sometimes it’s nice, sometimes it’s REALLY FUCKING SWEET if people were nice to you when you weren’t feeling so nice, because guess what, not feeling nice all the goddamn time is a human emotion. But, of course, only HUMANS know about human emotions, and I don’t live around humans—I live around mofos.

SIGH….well, this is nothing a few episodes of The Office can’t solve..

SUCK IT. SUCK A TOOTSIE ROLL THAT WAS RUBBED ON THE TOILET SEAT OF AN NYC BATHROOM, YOU JERK.

Quatro

Well, my 3rd day is FIN. It’s been FIN for about 25 minutes now, and day 4 has begun. Surprisingly, it was not AS torturous as I had earlier posted it to be; it was more up and down, where I was feeling fairly good, and then I realized how shitty not eating is! Lol, I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly expressed how “CRAPPY” (pun intended there. I know, I’m so not ladylike), I feel these early days. Probably because the other two times I did this cleanse, I was busy during the semester, so I didn’t really have time to sit down and moan and groan and bitch about the ridiculous things I do.

I probably spent a total of 4 hours (divided throughout the day) on Pinterest. It’s obviously the BEST SOCIAL NETWORK EVER MADE IN HUMANITY, but if you look at my “Because I’m a Size 0” board, you will clearly see that I lost my mind on Day 3 of the MC (not MC Hammer). Well, whatever it was, I cannot wait to make, bake, grill, cook, fry, taste, and devour all the NEW RECIPES I FOUND TODAY! OMG!

My most anticipated recipe: MONKEY BREAD!! OO OO AHH AHH … Yes, I have lost it. You will too, my friends, you will too.

Until another moment,

4 WEEKS!

Until I graduate college.

Holy. Lord. Of. The. Heavens.

Why did time go by so fast?! Why IS time going by so fast!? I’m trying to enjoy, savor, absorb every moment I have left, because seriously, I’ve never enjoyed my semester at SLUTGERZ more than I have now. Don’t know what it is. :-*

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