All this time I drank you like the cure—when you were the poison

I’m reading all the things I wrote to myself months ago and realizing, regretting, and hurting. I knew all of this so long ago—but was kept in the dark, manipulated, lied to—I was uncentered and drowning in doubt to realize the truth. Everything feels meaningless and yet so meaningful. It’s hard to understand the deceit and betrayal—but it exists. It will always exist. The difference might be that it won’t matter as much, it won’t hurt as much.

The mornings and nights are the worst. I’m too busy all day to dwell, yet I fall asleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. It sucks, but it must be part of the process. I’d like to erase everything from my memory, but that won’t really happen, and I no longer want it to happen. This is a necessary lesson, for someone like me. I needed this because I wouldn’t have learned anything if I didn’t actually go through it. However, there’s a difference between losing someone because the stars just aren’t aligning for you at the moment, and actually being deliberately betrayed — and that’s something I don’t think everyone should go through, that just fucking sucks.

I’m going through all the motions, the rollercoaster of an awful, awful breakup. Every day, I think of something different to wallow over. Another lie comes in my brain; something reminds me of him and I realize—oh, that was a lie too, huh. And then, I move on to realizing how not special I was to him. How he could do the same fucking things with her that he did with me. He didn’t leave anything — everything he did with me, say to me — he said to her. Then, I move to beating myself up; I regret not acting on my intuition, putting my honor + faith on the line, disrespecting my family, putting them last—all for someone who was never faithful to me. I regret letting myself get duped, used and abused. I’m embarrassed—no ashamed—for what I did with him and for him. I acted from a place of love, but it was sinful and sad, and the end could be nothing else than what it is now. The show is finally over and I am so glad.

And then I move on to my life that I finally have back. It’s back in my hands, clean and ready for a new story, a new journey. I think about all the great, amazing things that can now come out from a toxic-free, single, whole life. I realize I finally have that one opportunity to understand what it means to be a whole person. Then, I realize that there is someone out there for me whose going to be everything I’ve imagined. I always thought of him, even when I was with another. I know we will meet when the time is right and perfect for us—not a day sooner, not a day later. I know I will look back to this time of my life when I had the most growth, when I was the strongest although I felt the weakest, and I’ll know that this is when I defined myself, found myself, and built myself. I’ll look back and really understand why it didn’t, and never could, work out with anyone else in the world. By that point, I’ll be happy and satisfied by myself, too.

I know that I was meant for other things and the reality is finally here. And all I can do right now is accept this reality with an open heart, thank the God that loves and cares for me, and be ready.

 

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I Dreamt About You Nearly Every Night This Week

You Have To Remember the Good Times

But, Like, Why Didn’t I Make My Resume Like This?

I really didn’t think I could have 3-4 versions of one song, but I do. But, after Lovesong,  I really did not think I could have 3 versions of one song —but now I do. I discovered “I’m On Fire” by Chromatics on a rainy, gloomy Friday on Spotify while working. I was actually looking up songs from the movie Drive‘s soundtrack, and found a playlist that had more songs from Chromatics.

That feeling when you begin to hear the beginning of a song and you just know. It’s almost like falling in love, no? Or at least being attracted to someone, and knowing somewhere, deep down in your existence, that you two might have a connection. This feeling makes you keep the song on repeat for hours (like 3 hours driving to Connecticut repeat), or thinking about this random person you made eye contact with the whole ride home . . .

Similar to Lovesong, I discovered the song that I was completely mesmerized was actually a cover and after discovering the original, just realized how truly amazing the song is. However, like I have complained before—about amazing songs being way too short; “I’m On Fire” probably beats all of them! Not only is the song only two verses, but it actually ENDS after the 2nd verse! UGH! I think the beauty of it is that the song is about desire and how it’s never consummated —the shortness and abruptness of the song demonstrates that so painfully…the synthesizers in the music continue to make you feel as though something will happen, the song will continue to play, or maybe this particular desire will be quenched.

But, no. You don’t get any of that and it just makes it that more amazing.

Original: Bruce Springsteen
My Fav Covers (so far): Chromatics, Slightly Stoopid

 

sigh,
—N

So, I discovered this song a few weeks ago and am just getting around to share it. This is (kinda, but not really) different from the music I usually post on the blog. My music tastes vary and I love almost every type of songs; hip-hop, r&b and rap definitely have a special place in my heart and I’m definitely not a Nicki Minaj fan. So, when I was recommended of Jhene Aiko by my cousin, I found another female rapper, whose songs actually have some depth and a decent beat to it, I liked it. This song is pretty powerful, in my opinion, and very nicely written. It’s a little depressing; well I have to admit I discovered it when I was going through some things, and although I’d rather not relive those days again, this song is good enough for me to replay it without getting emotional again. I love freestyle and also love the way she goes from third person to first person, smooooth. She’s also got a great voice, and you know how much I love songs that have a great a story to it. Enjoy!

xoxo,
N

Top 10 V-Day Playlist: Bob Marley

Whether you’re falling deeper and deeper into love with your honey, in the beginning of a new relationship, getting over one, a happy single, or just a fan of reggae music, I’ve got 10 songs from the great Mr. Marley that will get your lift your mood up, whatever the situation. Life’s too short to be sulking around! Happy Valentine’s Day, lovers.

  1. Stir It Up
  2. Is This Love
  3. Satisfy My Soul
  4. Turn Your Lights Down Low
  5. Mellow Mood
  6. Waiting In Vain
  7. There She Goes
  8. Jammin’
  9. Could You Be Loved
  10. One Love

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