Dedicated — “Hit ‘Em Up”

I love 2Pac. I really do. RIP to one of the greatest rappers ever, and today—I dedicate this lovely song to one of the biggest POS I ever knew in my life: my recent ex. You, my ‘friend,’ are truly the biggest piece of shit I knew. LOLZ. Actually, even feces has more use than you do in this universe. I might sound bitter here (duh!) but really — there are some people in this world whose only purpose is to remind us of FECES. You know how? Well, although it’s necessary and everyone does it yada yada yada, it’s pretty disgusting when we go to the bathroom. And that disgusting act reminds us of how sometimes, we have to look, see, smell, hear gross things to get to the best: an empty bladder, healthy body—and to appreciate the better things in life: like not shitting, or air fresheners, and unclogged toilets. Oh, and better people. You know, people who actually have a moral code and give a shit about how others feel.

So yes, there are some lovely, lovely people in the world whose only use is really to remind you not to put your foot in shit. Because if you do, you’ll get your shoes, socks, and feet dirty and then it’ll suck. Some people do need to see this difference to really not take the “better” people out there for granted. Some of us need to be reminded. Unfortunately, some of us don’t even need this fucking reminder! Some of us are ALREADY WHOLE, COMPASSIONATE, KIND human beings who don’t need these feces-people in our lives to as a reminder to appreciate the better things in life. Not taking shit for granted comes naturally to some of us—and that’s how we live our lives, most especially when we come across feces-people. You see, we think they’re just like us—not full of absolute, disgusting shit—and that’s how we treat them. Well, kudos to us for thinking we’re so awesome, but really feces-people don’t give a crap about our good qualities. What they give a “crap” about (lolz) is themselves and all their shitty qualities. They looooove to roll around in their shitty qualities, lying, cheating, stealing, back-biting, talking shit, and expect people to sit there and take it. LOLZZZIIIIIIEEZZZZ is my response to feces-people.

I know what you wanna say. Oh, be more compassionate, oh where’s your sympathy? Where’s your empathy? Well, you see, feces-people don’t even give a crap if you give them compassion, sympathy or empathy. You did give them that—and more, yet they continued to disregard your feelings, disrespect you, and treat you the same way they see themselves when they look in their crappy mirror: shitty.

The reason why “Hit Em Up” really hits the nail on my feelings right now, is because, well sometimes you really need to curse people out. Sometimes, “kill them with kindness,” or some crap like that really doesn’t work. It might work for some people—but not feces-people. And that’s because they don’t even value kindness! They don’t even value respect! So please tell me why why why why do you think it’s sufficient for you to throw your moral code of kindness+compassion at them and then expect them to understand? Expect them to be sorry? Remorseful? Guilty? No, you don’t have to fall to their level (believe me when I tell you, you never will fall to their level) but cursing someone out is not “falling to a level.” Truthfully, “killing” someone with words—even vulgar words—is much better than causing them or their property physical damage. You won’t really even get in trouble with the law, LOLZ. I’m a writer, so really, words are everything to me. Hitting or attacking someone really will not satisfy me to the core like saying something I’ve been thinking, dwelling on forever. I mean, I’m really not going to pull my glock out on my ex or something, but I’ll let 2Pac do the talking for me here. He gives me justice. Another reason why “Hit Em Up” is awesome right now is because it’s dedicated to Biggie Smalls—2Pac’s rival and one-time “friend”—well, clearly, something went wrong with this “friendship” somewhere. I don’t know the story, nor do I care at the moment, but his entire track is to remind Biggie where he was, who he was, what 2Pac was to him, what he was to 2Pac, and who he still is. and to ‘Pac, well he’s feces. 

I do want to take a moment and apologize to my personal feces for comparing it to my lying, cheating, vomit-inducing ex. I’m sorry, Shit, I really am—but you understand.

sometimes I take metaphors too far,

—n

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All this time I drank you like the cure—when you were the poison

I’m reading all the things I wrote to myself months ago and realizing, regretting, and hurting. I knew all of this so long ago—but was kept in the dark, manipulated, lied to—I was uncentered and drowning in doubt to realize the truth. Everything feels meaningless and yet so meaningful. It’s hard to understand the deceit and betrayal—but it exists. It will always exist. The difference might be that it won’t matter as much, it won’t hurt as much.

The mornings and nights are the worst. I’m too busy all day to dwell, yet I fall asleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. It sucks, but it must be part of the process. I’d like to erase everything from my memory, but that won’t really happen, and I no longer want it to happen. This is a necessary lesson, for someone like me. I needed this because I wouldn’t have learned anything if I didn’t actually go through it. However, there’s a difference between losing someone because the stars just aren’t aligning for you at the moment, and actually being deliberately betrayed — and that’s something I don’t think everyone should go through, that just fucking sucks.

I’m going through all the motions, the rollercoaster of an awful, awful breakup. Every day, I think of something different to wallow over. Another lie comes in my brain; something reminds me of him and I realize—oh, that was a lie too, huh. And then, I move on to realizing how not special I was to him. How he could do the same fucking things with her that he did with me. He didn’t leave anything — everything he did with me, say to me — he said to her. Then, I move to beating myself up; I regret not acting on my intuition, putting my honor + faith on the line, disrespecting my family, putting them last—all for someone who was never faithful to me. I regret letting myself get duped, used and abused. I’m embarrassed—no ashamed—for what I did with him and for him. I acted from a place of love, but it was sinful and sad, and the end could be nothing else than what it is now. The show is finally over and I am so glad.

And then I move on to my life that I finally have back. It’s back in my hands, clean and ready for a new story, a new journey. I think about all the great, amazing things that can now come out from a toxic-free, single, whole life. I realize I finally have that one opportunity to understand what it means to be a whole person. Then, I realize that there is someone out there for me whose going to be everything I’ve imagined. I always thought of him, even when I was with another. I know we will meet when the time is right and perfect for us—not a day sooner, not a day later. I know I will look back to this time of my life when I had the most growth, when I was the strongest although I felt the weakest, and I’ll know that this is when I defined myself, found myself, and built myself. I’ll look back and really understand why it didn’t, and never could, work out with anyone else in the world. By that point, I’ll be happy and satisfied by myself, too.

I know that I was meant for other things and the reality is finally here. And all I can do right now is accept this reality with an open heart, thank the God that loves and cares for me, and be ready.

 

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