Miley Knows What’s Up

I’ve been saying it since September — but really — I am turning a new freaking leaf this year.

I never thought Miley could really put in words what I feel, but she did. She did it. And she did it like 2 years ago LOLZ. I didn’t even know this lovely song existed until a wonderful friend told me of it (XOXO) and I love it. I actually love a Miley song. And a Drake song too, ugh unfortunately, a couple Drake songs if I’m being 100% honest right now. I’m obsessed with Rihanna and her hair, especially because she’s going back to that island music that she was all about in the beginning. <33reggae<33

I’ve been flaking a lot less this year too! My friends are just OVER THE F**KING MOON about how I actually SHOW UP to places nowadays and many offers are ending with “yes,” and less “no bitch” — I wish I could put up testimonials from them on my blog right now about the % of flaking that has significantly lessened.

Yup, things are changing. I’m taking 25 really serious this year, working my ass off, trying to make that paper, and really making it seem like I’m an adult who has their shit together–lol lez be serious now–but trying is half the battle and fake it till you make it, right? I’ve traveled to 3 cities this year, 1 all by myself, and it was freaking amazing! There has been nothing else so far that has made me feel so “present” than standing in the middle of Dubai, or Miami, 1000 miles away from my home, and really soaking in the rest of the world. I understand that makes absolutely no sense, but I really felt so, incredibly free from so many things. People, responsibilities, even free from my thoughts. But, let’s be serious, that’s what vacation does. That’s what it’s supposed to do.

I MOVED! Not to a strange, dark, unknown place – but somewhere very familiar, but still very different. I love it and hate it. Don’t know how to describe it, but I still have a lot of work left to do to set up the place. It’s a relief to have a space to myself, but of course, my family is super annoying at times and act like they can’t live without me. I guess it’s a good problem to have. To be loved to the point of annoyance.

Also, working out is literally my “FAVORITE THING TO DO” (nacho voice) after eating, of course, and having sex, and maybe baking. No, but really, working out is the best thing in the world a person can do for themselves. Being healthy is soooo important. I’ve drastically changed my diet, and although I sometimes miss eating whatever I want, I don’t miss at all how I used to feel. It doesn’t matter what kind of exercise you do –although I do recommend kickboxing to get the anger out and strength training to feel strong like “strong, black independent woman”– it’s doing it consistently that will get you results. And it doesn’t matter if you’re NOT trying to look like a bikini model like me, the physical and mental release is incomparable. I know things like drinking, having sex, and hanging out with friends also have physical and mental releases — but have you noticed how you can’t do those activities “alone”? Being alone is so necessary to function in this society. And I’m not just saying this because I’m single now, but because I’ve always valued alone time, especially when you’re in a relationship. Love is great and all, and rainbows and butterflies, but you really are the only person you spend the most time with — so make yourself fking interesting. And hot, too. LOL DUH.

Of course, some things will never change though. Still hate Beyoncé. Don’t think it’s ever gonna work with me & Bey. Blue Ivy is still ugly. I still love rice & curry. I still love to talk shit. I’m still petty about all the things that have happened. It’s a process.

My ex still sucks at life and I recently found out more things about him (from him LOLZ) that made me seriously thank the Lord of the Heavens, and the Skies, and the Solar Systems, and the Universe, AGAIN for getting him the F**K out of my life. It was the BESSSSTTTTT thing that could’ve happened to me. But, I mean, the best thing would’ve been to never met him at all, but that’s okay — we already accepted the whole “lessons” thing. I honestly feel sorry and pity for the other person who chose to keep him in her life, but hey, that’s their prerogative. I call it “being a f**kng bimbo” but who am I to call people names? I learned recently how fake people can be, especially women, but I’m glad I’m not friends with any women/men like that. Unfortunately, I had the honor of dating garbage — but thankfully, my friends have always been awesome, truthful, “CLASSY” people. At the end of the day, although I’m still pretty annoyed about things and have moment of negative feelings, I’m super happy with my life right now.

But — I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t say who I think of when I hear Miley’s song. The song just so childish and funny, with some nice beats too, I have to dedicate to that special gem in my life who I’m glad is no longer here. You, my little douche, are never gonna change. XOXO.

#PettyAsFuck,

nadz

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Thoughts on Shitty Choices

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I was all ready to write and get all my thoughts together an hour ago, but I ended up reading something else I wrote almost 10 months ago… Scary. It was very, very scary to say the least. Hindsight is truly something. If I had just pushed, pressed, and listened to what was being said to me and done to me … I would’ve been out of this thing 10 months ago. That’s about 5 months before than it happened. 5 months of my life I would’ve had back; 5 extra months of healing. Actually, if I really think about it—I could’ve ended that horrible relationship before it even bloomed into a real “relationship.” I could’ve ended it when it when it was only 5 months old. I guess 5 is a thing or something. But, I was too weak. And optimistic. I was also always a big romantic, and wanted to fall in love. I wanted to take a chance, live my life, and enjoy my life… Didn’t know 3 years would fly by and all I had to show for it was absolute shit. I’m really not trying to be cynical or super-negative about it LOL really—but aside from all the “life lessons,” I really have shit. I could’ve learned these life lessons from A LOT OF OTHER PLACES AND WAYS, YOU KNOW. But I didn’t. I was with a shitty human being, who didn’t teach me good things, but taught me that shitty human beings exist everywhere, and many of them will be pretty, pretty close to you. (Larry David voice). I guess it’s still a lesson. Shitty lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.

Oh, well. No point in regretting the past, and beating myself now.

What I have recently learned, though, is that I really need to accept the fact that I was in a very bad relationship. Despite how positive and zen you try to get about it — you really need to face the facts eventually. It takes some guts to admit that you made a really shitty choice in a partner, spent time, money, and love on them, and you ended up having a really horrible relationship. Your investment, unfortunately, didn’t pay off. You took a risk and guess what, it was not a good idea. You can spin it a thousand ways — but rationally, it was a bad decision. A poor choice. You must’ve had some idea of what ways it could’ve gone, yet, you made your decision. And believe me, I am in a really good mood right now LOL, and am writing all this with a feeling of content. I’ve been trying to avoid the fact that I made such a bad fucking decision, but unfortunately I did. And the only thing—BELIEVE ME, there’s only one thing—I can do now is make a better decision next time around. More like 1000000000% better.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a key difference between successful and unsuccessful romantic relationships, and it’s not that one ends up in marriage or a forever, oh my god I will love you all my life type thing. What a successful romantic relationship does is teach you more about yourself and about the world—which includes its humans and all its lessons—and leaves you a better, well-rounded person regardless of the outcome. Not a broken, bitter, cold, destroyed person with trust issues and insecurity. The ones that do that, well, they were truly unsuccessful relationships. And you, my friend, did not succeed.

It really does suck to fail. (SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW! Like Nacho says). It sucks to know you made a bad decision, whether it’s buying a shitty t-shirt, making a bad business decision, or a bad choice for a partner. But really—what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Cry about it forever? Hell fucking no.

-n

Dedicated — “Hit ‘Em Up”

I love 2Pac. I really do. RIP to one of the greatest rappers ever, and today—I dedicate this lovely song to one of the biggest POS I ever knew in my life: my recent ex. You, my ‘friend,’ are truly the biggest piece of shit I knew. LOLZ. Actually, even feces has more use than you do in this universe. I might sound bitter here (duh!) but really — there are some people in this world whose only purpose is to remind us of FECES. You know how? Well, although it’s necessary and everyone does it yada yada yada, it’s pretty disgusting when we go to the bathroom. And that disgusting act reminds us of how sometimes, we have to look, see, smell, hear gross things to get to the best: an empty bladder, healthy body—and to appreciate the better things in life: like not shitting, or air fresheners, and unclogged toilets. Oh, and better people. You know, people who actually have a moral code and give a shit about how others feel.

So yes, there are some lovely, lovely people in the world whose only use is really to remind you not to put your foot in shit. Because if you do, you’ll get your shoes, socks, and feet dirty and then it’ll suck. Some people do need to see this difference to really not take the “better” people out there for granted. Some of us need to be reminded. Unfortunately, some of us don’t even need this fucking reminder! Some of us are ALREADY WHOLE, COMPASSIONATE, KIND human beings who don’t need these feces-people in our lives to as a reminder to appreciate the better things in life. Not taking shit for granted comes naturally to some of us—and that’s how we live our lives, most especially when we come across feces-people. You see, we think they’re just like us—not full of absolute, disgusting shit—and that’s how we treat them. Well, kudos to us for thinking we’re so awesome, but really feces-people don’t give a crap about our good qualities. What they give a “crap” about (lolz) is themselves and all their shitty qualities. They looooove to roll around in their shitty qualities, lying, cheating, stealing, back-biting, talking shit, and expect people to sit there and take it. LOLZZZIIIIIIEEZZZZ is my response to feces-people.

I know what you wanna say. Oh, be more compassionate, oh where’s your sympathy? Where’s your empathy? Well, you see, feces-people don’t even give a crap if you give them compassion, sympathy or empathy. You did give them that—and more, yet they continued to disregard your feelings, disrespect you, and treat you the same way they see themselves when they look in their crappy mirror: shitty.

The reason why “Hit Em Up” really hits the nail on my feelings right now, is because, well sometimes you really need to curse people out. Sometimes, “kill them with kindness,” or some crap like that really doesn’t work. It might work for some people—but not feces-people. And that’s because they don’t even value kindness! They don’t even value respect! So please tell me why why why why do you think it’s sufficient for you to throw your moral code of kindness+compassion at them and then expect them to understand? Expect them to be sorry? Remorseful? Guilty? No, you don’t have to fall to their level (believe me when I tell you, you never will fall to their level) but cursing someone out is not “falling to a level.” Truthfully, “killing” someone with words—even vulgar words—is much better than causing them or their property physical damage. You won’t really even get in trouble with the law, LOLZ. I’m a writer, so really, words are everything to me. Hitting or attacking someone really will not satisfy me to the core like saying something I’ve been thinking, dwelling on forever. I mean, I’m really not going to pull my glock out on my ex or something, but I’ll let 2Pac do the talking for me here. He gives me justice. Another reason why “Hit Em Up” is awesome right now is because it’s dedicated to Biggie Smalls—2Pac’s rival and one-time “friend”—well, clearly, something went wrong with this “friendship” somewhere. I don’t know the story, nor do I care at the moment, but his entire track is to remind Biggie where he was, who he was, what 2Pac was to him, what he was to 2Pac, and who he still is. and to ‘Pac, well he’s feces. 

I do want to take a moment and apologize to my personal feces for comparing it to my lying, cheating, vomit-inducing ex. I’m sorry, Shit, I really am—but you understand.

sometimes I take metaphors too far,

—n

All this time I drank you like the cure—when you were the poison

I’m reading all the things I wrote to myself months ago and realizing, regretting, and hurting. I knew all of this so long ago—but was kept in the dark, manipulated, lied to—I was uncentered and drowning in doubt to realize the truth. Everything feels meaningless and yet so meaningful. It’s hard to understand the deceit and betrayal—but it exists. It will always exist. The difference might be that it won’t matter as much, it won’t hurt as much.

The mornings and nights are the worst. I’m too busy all day to dwell, yet I fall asleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. It sucks, but it must be part of the process. I’d like to erase everything from my memory, but that won’t really happen, and I no longer want it to happen. This is a necessary lesson, for someone like me. I needed this because I wouldn’t have learned anything if I didn’t actually go through it. However, there’s a difference between losing someone because the stars just aren’t aligning for you at the moment, and actually being deliberately betrayed — and that’s something I don’t think everyone should go through, that just fucking sucks.

I’m going through all the motions, the rollercoaster of an awful, awful breakup. Every day, I think of something different to wallow over. Another lie comes in my brain; something reminds me of him and I realize—oh, that was a lie too, huh. And then, I move on to realizing how not special I was to him. How he could do the same fucking things with her that he did with me. He didn’t leave anything — everything he did with me, say to me — he said to her. Then, I move to beating myself up; I regret not acting on my intuition, putting my honor + faith on the line, disrespecting my family, putting them last—all for someone who was never faithful to me. I regret letting myself get duped, used and abused. I’m embarrassed—no ashamed—for what I did with him and for him. I acted from a place of love, but it was sinful and sad, and the end could be nothing else than what it is now. The show is finally over and I am so glad.

And then I move on to my life that I finally have back. It’s back in my hands, clean and ready for a new story, a new journey. I think about all the great, amazing things that can now come out from a toxic-free, single, whole life. I realize I finally have that one opportunity to understand what it means to be a whole person. Then, I realize that there is someone out there for me whose going to be everything I’ve imagined. I always thought of him, even when I was with another. I know we will meet when the time is right and perfect for us—not a day sooner, not a day later. I know I will look back to this time of my life when I had the most growth, when I was the strongest although I felt the weakest, and I’ll know that this is when I defined myself, found myself, and built myself. I’ll look back and really understand why it didn’t, and never could, work out with anyone else in the world. By that point, I’ll be happy and satisfied by myself, too.

I know that I was meant for other things and the reality is finally here. And all I can do right now is accept this reality with an open heart, thank the God that loves and cares for me, and be ready.

 

So, I discovered this song a few weeks ago and am just getting around to share it. This is (kinda, but not really) different from the music I usually post on the blog. My music tastes vary and I love almost every type of songs; hip-hop, r&b and rap definitely have a special place in my heart and I’m definitely not a Nicki Minaj fan. So, when I was recommended of Jhene Aiko by my cousin, I found another female rapper, whose songs actually have some depth and a decent beat to it, I liked it. This song is pretty powerful, in my opinion, and very nicely written. It’s a little depressing; well I have to admit I discovered it when I was going through some things, and although I’d rather not relive those days again, this song is good enough for me to replay it without getting emotional again. I love freestyle and also love the way she goes from third person to first person, smooooth. She’s also got a great voice, and you know how much I love songs that have a great a story to it. Enjoy!

xoxo,
N

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